I love the idea of catching my Calgary Flames on the road right after I zip-line down a space needle. But I'm less excited by the Vegas team names I've heard. The Gamblers? Predictable. The Blackjacks? Slightly cheesy. The Sidewinders? Vaguely B-league.
How about a name that embraces the surreal quirkiness that is Vegas? We already have the Devils, so why not the Sin City Sinners? I also think the Bankrupts has a nice ring to it. The Sequins, Tassels or Pasties could make for some eye-catching jerseys. How awesome would it be to have Wayne Newton sing "The Star Spangled Banner" at every Newtons home game?
My favourite, however, is the Las Vegas Neon. The cheer writes itself: "Glow team glow!" Plus, I have a thing for team names that lack an "S" at the end. And imagine the uniforms! Eat your heart out, 1980s Vancouver Canucks (pictured)...
What I do not want is a moniker that caters to a G-rated audience. The Las Vegas Frozen, for example, would undoubtedly fill seats with families -- and cater to the elusive prepubescent female demographic -- but I can't support anything that encourages kids to visit.
I am the proud father of two girls, aged 5 and 7, but perhaps the best part of my trip to Las Vegas last May was their absence. Sometimes mommy and daddy need a break, and nothing delivers a holistic adult getaway quite like oxygen-infused casinos, disco ball-equipped stretch Escalades, a quartet of Elvis impersonators riding in the Batmobile -- in short, diversions that produced nary a reminder of our offspring.
After years of working to reinstate the "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" motto, I would hate to see the city relaunch its ill-advised efforts to lure families. This strategic shift in the early 1990s gave rise to the Strip's least-appealing hotels: Circus Circus, Excalibur and Treasure Island. Why pick on these properties? Because outside their massive casinos, they are full of children.
Vegas is no place for kids. In fairness, you don't see a lot of them, but those you do encounter bring down the hedonistic tone. Granted, I'm sure many have to be there as flower girls or ring-bearers and such, but I for one would support a system whereby anyone under 16 must wear a white tuxedo with black bow tie so they can at least impersonate Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
If you feel I'm being unfair to families who want to play together, let me remind you that there are thousands of destinations around the world where they are welcomed with open arms. With all these options it seems misguided, if not selfish, for parents to choose Vegas for a family holiday.
To frame my argument another way: How outraged would parents be if, on a visit to Disney World, they encountered a nice young man handing out cards advertising "Hot Girlz 4 U XXX Donkey Show"?
That's it! The Las Vegas XXX. Now there's a name I can support...