So I did the math using Google Maps. (Clearly I have a penchant for nervous breakdowns. The Internet slowdown you noticed earlier today? That was me.)
The result: Yes, the list could be done. But it would be quadruple-A craaaazy to try. Allowing for at least eight hours of sleep per day, the epic voyage would call for around 200 hours of driving and a mind-boggling 340-odd hours in the air.
The takeaway here: Canada is really, really big. So big, in fact, that the “highlights” of my research are pretty nuts:
- Getting from the Haunted Hike walking tour in St. John’s on June 23 to the start of the Yukon River Quest race in Whitehorse the next day would mean a journey of at least 8,000 kilometres. The flight would take around 13 hours. The drive? Ninety hours, give or take.
- Seeing Snarky Puppy (pictured) at the TD Toronto Jazz Festival on June 26? Cool. Flying for nine hours to Whitehorse the next day for the 24 Hours of Light mountain-bike race? Ambitious. Then flying back to Toronto for a Game of Thrones live-action role-playing game in Trinity Bellwoods Park? Insane (on several levels). Oh, and then you’d be off to Churchill, Man., on another eight-hour connecting flight, followed by a 12-hour flight to Halifax to check out the Canadian National Immigration Museum. Mayhem! On the plus side, your July 2 drive to go tidal bore rafting on the Shubenacadie River would only take about an hour.
- Picking Sept. 5 for the Wharf Rat Rally, Canada’s largest multiday motorcycle rally, also causes some logistical issues. If you’re going to be at Fan Expo Canada the day before, presumably sporting your Game of Thrones gear from earlier in the summer, it only makes sense to ride your chopper from Hogtown to Digby. Trouble is, that’s a 17-hour jaunt. Then, after a day of tailgating and tattoos, you’re scheduled to head to Montreal for the Red Bull Soap Box Races, which means an 11-hour ride. It’s a good thing there are so many nice spas in Montreal.
- To be fair, it’s not all ridiculously rigorous. Getting from the July 19 Flaming Lips show at Toronto’s Yonge-Dundas Square to the the RBC Canadian Open at Glen Abbey in Oakville would take about 30 minutes in light traffic (or five hours at rush hour). Likewise for the drive back to Toronto the next day for the final of men’s beach volleyball at the Pan Am Games.
- And hey, New Brunswick’s Magnetic Hill Zoo, the site of weeklong “Keeper Camps” I had slated for Aug. 11, is a measly 15 minutes by car from the Dieppe Kite International festival. Just like I planned it!