By waddling down our street
We knew you were a duckling
You had a beak and cute webbed feet
You ran under a parked Toyota
I found a box to put you in
Some guy used a broom to nab you
He was like Gretzky with that thing!
My daughters were beyond excited
“A duckling! In my room!”
I told them that they couldn’t touch you
As that would seal your doom
A nest was fashioned, tout de suite
From towels and serviettes
I’m pretty sure, were I not there
They would have fed you Chex
A Google search soon revealed
A duckling-friendly menu
So milk, and peas, and boiled egg
Were added to your venue
You started swimming in the milk
And churned it like a blender
Then scattered peas and egg around
Like Bieber on a bender
We needed Animal Services
I dialed the free hotline
And as I did, “Can we keep him?”
Was repeated 16 times
“Ducklings are wild animals,”
Came my stern reply
“He’d be unhappy living here
He’d never learn to fly.”
“What about the duck on Friends?”
Asked Grace, full of defiance,
“If Joey can look after one,
It can’t be rocket science.”
“Rest assured, my daughter dear,”
I quickly bantered back
As soon as “Joey” leaves the set
Duck wranglers pick up the slack
“That’s it!” cried Ava, eyes aglow
“Duck wrangling is my dream!
Father, please don’t kill my hopes
Like adamantium killed Wolverine.”
Just in time, the Muzak ended
A real person came online
“It’s after-hours,” he said politely,
“Five hours is the wait time.”
Given the lateness of the hour,
I guessed this meant next morning
So after closing Ducky’s box
I joined my family in withdrawing
I awoke, saw on my phone
The voicemail tab alight
Cameron from Animal Services
Had come by after midnight
So I called and left a message
Then I took the girls aside
“When you get home from school,” I said,
“Ducky may not here reside.”
“Ontario Wildlife Rescue
Will provide his new abode
He’ll be much happier there, my dears
Not waddling down the road.”
“‘We saved him!’ That’s the takeaway!”
Were my parting words
Disconsolate, they turned away
Thinking me absurd
So I waited, with my ringer on
For Cameron to return
He prefers to go by “The Avian Assassin”
As we would later learn
It could be that’s the reason
Our duck guest seemed quite neurotic
Leaping against his cardboard walls
He was almost robotic
Eat some egg, jump for thirty
Drink some milk, make nest dirty
Jump for thirty, eat some peas
Ducky, quit this jumping, please!
Then wee Ducky, he started peeping
As first I felt my eardrums bleeding
But as I listened to his pleas
My urge to keep him did increase
This went on for about six hours
What eating, jumping, and peeping powers!
Then in the door came Ava and Gracie
Followed by Evie, Pam and Stacey
After them came Peg and Sue
Then a minute later, Ivy Blue
Not Blue Ivy of Queen B fame
You get the idea just the same
My kitchen was crammed full of kids
The duck was starring in 14 vids
Eating peas, then jumping lots
Was going to kill it on Tik Tok
At dinner, Ducky, half awake
Seemed to be resigned to his fate
And resolutely hunkered down
In his makeshift apartment brown
Then at the door there came a knock
Cameron, adding to his flock
“Evening, all,” he said, quite plucky,
“Now tell me, girls, WHERE’S THE DUCKY?”
Cam’s approach was poorly planned
He came across like Slenderman
The girls, now scarred, quickly retreated
Their tear ducts soon to be depleted
“Hold on, girls,” Cam said, polite
“Check out this FAWN from just last night
Her mom got hit by a passing Jeep
Then we found her in a yard, asleep.”
Cam produced his sticky phone
Revealing the mystery of this poem
A fawn, awake, its eyes imploring
Soon our Ducky became quite boring
Cam, he quickly grabbed the box
And said, “My work is done here, boss”
Then turned and ambled out the door
My family was duck-less, once more
The girls, dreaming of fawns, retired
Never thinking that Cam had conspired
To trick them with fawn stock photos
Good thing we were dealing with pros
Before she closed her eyes, Grace said,
“Can we get a dog instead?”
Then she started singing “Bingo”
I’m sure she’d take a rabid dingo
Dingos, I’d turn down these days
Along with pure-breds, pups and strays
Any pet is out of luck
With one exception: Any kind of duck.