By Adam Bisby, the greatest globe-trotting, child-wrangling, season-pushing and hyphen-abusing freelance journalist in Toronto's M6R postal code.
Mostly Amazing
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact

Farewell, Didcot Power Station: An appreciation, and an ode

8/22/2019

0 Comments

 
Now that Didcot Power Station has been mostly levelled, with its remaining three cooling towers demolished in spectacular fashion last Sunday, I can’t shake the feeling that something has been lost.

The feeling intensified when I stumbled upon Kit Wright’s wonderful 2014 poem, An Ode to Didcot Power Station:

What vasty thighs outspread to give thee birth,
DIDCOT, thou marvel of the plain?
Colossal funnels of the steamship EARTH,
Thy consummate immensity
Enshrines the rare propensity
Of fumes to form eternal acid rain!
While, in their pious hosts, Romano-Celtic ghosts
Are knelt to worship thy
All-belching amphorae,
And shadows of thy sacrificial breathing fill the sky!

DIDCOT, thou bugger!
Thou teaser of the mind
And recollection-tugger! Thee I find
To replicate the days when I was small
What time my mother, sweet and kind,
The fragrant Friar's Balsam did infuse.
She therewithal
A towel placed upon my head
And loving care did use
That pulmonary perils might not wake me with the dead.

DIDCOT! To one more
Soft eidolon thou steam'st ope mem'ry's door ...
For in thy hanging shrouds I view return
Far other blue-grey clouds;
My father's pipe-smoke I in thee discern,
Companion true,
That followed him all days
And ways he ventured through this singing maze,
To take that turn
All entrants in their bafflement and grace may not eschew.
What links of tenderness are forged by thee,

DIDCOT, thou ever-burning core!
Insensate lover of the loves that flee!
Thou glade of past felicity,
Thy sap of electricity
Complicit in our veins for evermore!
Struggling anent the storm, thy children ghost the form
Of all our quickenings may ever be ...
DIDCOT, thy billows pour,
Connatural, contiguous, familial as the sea!


The power station was never pretty, aesthetically or environmentally. To be honest, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better example of a blot on the landscape, what with the landscape in question being so pleasing to the eye. My late grandfather Harry, for one, despised the power station. An avid painter of English landscapes, he resented its grey brooding presence.

As a child visiting from Canada, however, I grew to associate the plump concrete smoke stacks with summers of non-stop fun. I spent much of my childhood bouncing between the homes of grandparents, cousins and summer friends in Drayton, Sutton Courtney, Steventon, and the other villages and towns on and around England's rolling Wiltshire Downs. 

I've been back several times as an adult — twice as a father — and still revel in revisiting the diversions of my youth: The Uffington White Horse prehistoric hill figure; Wittenham Clumps, a pair of wooded hills and ancient forts that once afforded superb views of the power station; the footpaths around the Thames weirs at Sutton Courtney; and even the modest Sutton Wick duck pond in Drayton.

This is one of the most underrated parts of England. Millions of visitors take day trips from London to the Cotswold Hills and Stonehenge — both less than an hour's drive from the Drayton Triangle, as I call it — as well as to Oxford, the world-famous university city 20 minutes north. It could be that Didcot Power Station has caused tourists to bypass the area. If so, I owe it a debt of gratitude for the uncrowded pubs, serene villages and countryside, and relative lack of tour buses in the Triangle.

These days, I also derive great pleasure from bringing my daughters along, and watching as they gaze wide-eyed at the White Horse's 110-metre-long chalk body, or hurl crusts of bread into the swirling Thames, drawing ducks by the dozens.

Relatives who still live in the Triangle chuckle when I outline our repetitive itinerary. It probably seems quaint — boring, even — when compared with the sights of London or even those of Oxford. But I will never tire of the Triangle, or of reliving those halcyon days and sharing them with my family. 

I would have liked to have been among the thousands of spectators who turned out for the final implosion. My grandfather, however, would have been there no matter what. Harry would have cheered loudly, no doubt, having invariably excluded the power station from his bucolic watercolours.

But next time I snap a photo from the top of Wittenham Clumps, I may just Photoshop it in.
0 Comments

TOGETHER FOREVER: MARCH BREAK, SPRING SKIING, AND BEER

3/16/2019

0 Comments

 
Picture
Last year, I learned a valuable lesson in Ellicottville: Craft beer is obliterating the stereotype that American brews are weak and watery.

Now, I'm learning something else: A private ski resort isn't always a private ski resort. 

Eighteen months after our first visit to charming Ellicottville, the brood and I are back to check out nearby HoliMont, the largest private ski area in the United States (by membership). The good news for non-members like us is that HoliMont is open to the public on weekdays, which is how we've been able to ski there. The resort's 46 trails and eight lifts are providing some textbook spring skiing, with the welcoming atmosphere enhanced by stone fireplaces in the expansive main lodge and floor-to-ceiling windows facing the snowy slopes.

Spring skiing, especially with children who are learning to snowboard, provides a natural excuse to enjoy a beer or three. And as is the case with 12.6 percent of Ontario March Breaks, St. Patrick's Day just happens to be the very last day of this year's nine-day parental gauntlet.

Good thing the Ellicottville Brewing Co.'s wares are so well-represented at nearby Holiday Valley, the largest public ski area in New York State. The eponymous lodge's raucous T-Bar lounge pours a Ski Bum hoppy ale and a Blueberry Wheat Ale garnished with real berries. Next door, the fifth outpost of the Massachusetts-based John Harvard's Brewery is home to 20-plus taps, including a decadent Chocolate Cherry Bomb Imperial Stout produced by Ellicottville Brewing.

Craft beers multiply exponentially during the annual Holiday Valley Beer and Wine Festival, when more than 30 brewers crowd the resort's base area each November. For even more sudsy variety, EBC's stylish dining and entertainment complex serves up flights and brewery tours.

READ MORE OF MY CRAFT BEER-MEETS-SKIING STORY IN THE GLOBE AND MAIL

0 Comments

Dear Nigel, God of Snow: So you’re a hot dog guy now?

4/10/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
Photo credit: Cole Pellerin, @mountainmancole
Until the 14th day of March, oh great and robustly suspendered Nigel, my 2018 sacrifices to you had gone unanswered. I dined upon everything that pleased you in the past -- nachos, cinnamon buns, poutine -- but you favoured me not with heavy snows upon the slopes of skiing.

With each failed sacrifice I turned to fresh sustenance. Would chicken wings curry favour with you? Apparently not. Would curry curry favour with you? Again, not a single flake fell. Oxtail rotis? Sushi? Oxtail sushi? Sushi rotis? Try as I might, your new culinary predilections remained mysteries to me.

It was with a heavy heart that I dug deep into my freezer for something, anything, that might please your too-tightly-trousered magnificence. It was the Monday of March Break, after all, and my family was about to head to Stowe, Vermont.

That’s when I saw them, sheathed in plastic and bundled together with an elastic band. The wieners were quickly defrosted in boiling water, grilled in a pan, and served “à la Ikea” between two equally freezer-burned buns. It wasn’t much, oh fickle and surprisingly stout Nigel, but it was worth a shot.

Fat flakes fell furiously as we neared the self-proclaimed “Ski Capital of the East,” and I began to joyfully suspect that I had satisfied your latest craving. We all ordered hot dogs from the kids’ menu that evening, and lo and behold, we awoke to more than a foot of fresh powder. When I fist-bumped a complete stranger on the hill that day, oh yellow-mustard-preferring Nigel, it wasn’t only because of the sublime conditions. It was also because I had made my way back into your blessed favour.

Needless to say, before heading to Fernie Alpine Resort in early April, I joined my daughters in sacrificing half a pack of franks to your glorious, duosyllabic and relatively common name. Upon arrival, I witnessed a great omen -- Fernie’s annual Eighties-themed Hot Dog Day -- that foretold of many snowy days to come. It also foretold of some serious hangovers and vintage-store remorse, but that’s another story.

You again unleashed your powers of precipitation that night, compelling me to hike up Snake Ridge and glide down into Cedar Bowl the next morning. If that's what dining upon tube steaks gets me, oh munificent and elastic-waistband-requiring Nigel, I’ll renew my Epic Pass ASAP and see you at Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in July.

Love,

Adam “Kobayashi” Bisby
0 Comments

NIGHT SKIING MADE NEW AGAIN

2/13/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
As they have done for so many things -- Lego, Christmas, Top 40 radio pop -- my two daughters have renewed my appreciation for schussing under the stars.

Nearly 14 years after my last night-skiing session I found myself in the exact same spot at 5pm: The top of Blue Mountain's Memory Lane run.

The grooming machines had just finished turning the snow into a carpet of corduroy. At the top of the run, dozens of skiers and snowboarders waited for the hill to reopen. It was a surreal time of day: Dazzling floodlights replaced the dwindling daylight, while the sunset painted the sky a pale, wintry yellow. Just as the sun dipped below the horizon the yellow barrier was removed, and my family carved down the hill with nary an ice patch in sight. As we regrouped by the Silver Bullet chairlift for another ride up, I overheard both my girls singing Imagine Dragons' "Thunder." "Now I'm smiling from the stage while / You were clapping in the nose bleeds..."

A little swagger on the slopes? I love it.

Resorts have been lighting runs since the 1920s, and today, scores of hills across Canada offer night skiing. While many base their business on after-work and after-school skiers from nearby cities, a growing number of resorts are revamping their evening appeal by offering much more than schussing under the stars.

READ THE REST OF THE 2004 STORY IN THE GLOBE AND MAIL

0 Comments

KIWI KRONICLES: UPON FURTHER REVIEW OF OUR PHOTOS...

1/19/2018

1 Comment

 
Who knew a slideshow could be so therapeutic? Last night's display on our living room TV helped ease my family's jet lag, as well as the shock of returning to snowy Toronto, with giddy reminiscences of our four weeks in New Zealand.

It also took me back to the slideshows of my childhood. My dad would deploy one of those tripod-mounted projection screens and, if I was lucky, I'd get to use the handheld "clicker" to advance the projector's carousel. Because they were near-weekly events, we saw the same photos over and over again, and we'd often spot details that were overlooked the first 17 times around: A picnic shot revealing a surreptitious cookie grab, a near-perfect family portrait in which yours truly was flying low.

These days,  new observations are even easier to make as we rename, sort, crop and share images. Indeed, upon further review of our time in the Land of the Long White Cloud...
Picture
...sometimes a stalagmite is just a stalagmite. (In the otherworldly Ngarua Caves south of Abel Tasman National Park.)

Picture
...all I need is some rope, a sturdy maple branch, and that meltwater-filled pothole in front of our house. (Just off the bucolic Rakaitane Track along the Arnold River near the lovely village of Moana.)

Picture
...isn't it amazing what you can do with Velcro? (En route to the Franz Josef Glacier in Westland Tai Poutini National Park.)

Picture
...I still don't know what the shepherd is doing here. Trying to sneak up on baby Jesus? Some kind of "Thriller" dance move? (Christmas Eve on the gorgeously deserted Anapai Bay Beach in Abel Tasman National Park.)

Picture
...if not for the signage I would have held an eel to my face as I would a newborn kitten. (At the wonderful Jester House Cafe near Nelson.)

Picture
...what a nice shot of my family on a bridge spanning Taupo's Huka Falls. The water is this incredible iridescent blue colour and...hold on a sec...what is that random guy doing?!? 

Picture
Phew, it's a perspective thing. I'm pretty sure he is neither groping nor pick-pocketing my wife. 

1 Comment

KIWI KRONICLES: THE BALLAD OF ANGELA BISBY

1/14/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
Sung with plenty o' twang to the tune of "The Ballad of Jed Clampett," the theme song for The Beverly Hillbillies TV show (1963-71) and 1993 film (I still want my Blockbuster Video rental fee back).

Come and listen to my story 'bout my wife named Ang,
A poor buccaneer, greatest momma in the land,
A few weeks ago we were driving 'round NZ*,
With Ang and her phone in the shotgun seat.

Spoken: An iPhone 6 that is. Black and gold, it was free (when she signed a two-year contract with a company that is partly owned by...Satan?!?).

*Sorry, that's "zee," British (and many Canadian) friends.

*****

Related anecdote: As we were driving into Christchurch (on the left-hand side of the road), I failed to signal an abrupt lane change after inadvertently activating my windshield wipers for the 314th time.

The driver behind me had just honked his horn -- fair enough -- when a sketchy-looking woman stepped off the sidewalk in front of us and darted into our lane. She gestured at me to roll down my window, which at home in Toronto I would never do. This being New Zealand, however, I figured she wanted to offer some helpful tips on the proper use of windshield wipers.

Instead, she jabbed her index finger at me and barked: “Why did you toot at me?!?”

“I didn’t, er, toot at you,” I replied, taken aback. Behind me, my daughters giggled at the use of “toot.”

“You’re an American liar!” the woman declared loudly.

I wish I had corrected her on both counts, but all I could muster was a swift denial. “It wasn’t me, it was the guy behind me!”

“Frucking...framerican...friars,” she mumbled, and spun on her heel to face the poor tooter.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled earworm.

*****

Well the first thing you know Ang is snapping from her seat
The kinfolk said, "iCloud storage isn't free..."
Angela replied, "Keep it zipped and watch the road,
“We just hit the Instagram motherlode...”
0 Comments

KIWI KOUNTDOWN CONCLUSION: THE SEVEN STAGES OF TRIP ANTICIPATION

12/18/2017

0 Comments

 
PictureStage 4: Anger.
The morning of our departure, a friend asks my wife if she's excited about our trip to New Zealand. “It’s not so much excitement,” Angela replies, “as it is disbelief.”

It's true: After six months of planning, it seems impossible that the big day is finally here.

Such is the emotional irregularity of trip anticipation: We expect excitement, but we get incredulity. Inspiration soon gives way to insecurity, and elation morphs into depression at the drop of an airfare. The stages of this buildup are different for everyone, I’m sure, but here’s what transpired for me this time around:    

STAGE 1: INSPIRATION
New Zealand? Where do I sign!?! Our friends are moving there for a year -- to Motueka no less, which is sandwiched between a national park and wine country -- they’ve invited us to stay with them, we all love wine, we all love sandwiches, their kids are BFFs with our kids, we’ve always wanted to visit NZ, we’re due for a big family adventure, we all love wine, it could not be more perfect.

STAGE 2: BARGAINING
OK, if we travel over the holidays the kids will only miss a few days of school. They spend most of December crafting awkwardly non-denominational ornaments anyway. Luckily, you’ve got a bunch of paid vacation time, and my Oscar-winning screenplay will be complete any day now. And do we really need a functioning furnace this winter?

STAGE 3: OVERCONFIDENCE
‘Twas I who navigated the medina of Fez without a guide (and only got lost two-score and nine times). ‘Twas I who had the ski school pick up our kids from the chalet. ‘Tis I who has but thrice laundered his passport. A New Zealand quest? ‘Tis child’s play, I tell you!

STAGE 4: ANGER
Me: So let me get this straight: All 27 times I selected your super-discount airfare, someone else grabbed the seats while I was filling out the seven pages of passenger and credit-card info. And it just so happened that the next-best fare was two grand more than the one I wanted. Do you honestly think I’m going to go for the new fare? Who does that? Doesn’t this sound like a scam to you?

Them: Well sir, it’s a busy travel time for travel to Mexico, and…

Me: Mexico? We’re going to New Zealand!

Them: Ah yes, sorry sir, New Zealand. Excellent choice. As I was saying, it’s a busy time for travel to New Zealand, and…

Me: No, wait, I’ve changed my mind. What do you have for Molvania?

Them: Ah yes, Molvania. Excellent choice. It’s a busy time for travel to Molvania, and…

Click!

STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE
I will let the rigours of travel planning wash over me like the oceans of guacamole in my soon-to-be-Oscar-winning screenplay. I know that sometimes those guacamolean seas will be chunky, as they are on the way to New Zealand when a customs official asks, “Are you carrying any fresh fruits or vegetables?”

“No.”

“Nuts?”

“No.”

“Meats?”

“No.”

“Honey?”

“No…”

“Hold up there good sir!” our 10-year-old exclaims. “Let’s back things up for a sec. Mother and Father, I distinctly recall you stowing several large jars of honey in your luggage. I believe it was the cheap non-organic stuff. Anyway, officer, I just want to make sure you have all the correct information at your disposal.”

There is an incredibly awkward silence. The customs official stares at us blankly. We stare back. Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barks. Which is odd, considering we are in an airport. Then again, it’s probably one of those sniffer dogs searching for concealed honey.

Trouble is, we can’t truthfully correct our full-disclosure-obsessed child for fear that the maple syrup in our luggage will be confiscated. Maybe maple syrup is right after honey on the customs checklist!

That’s when I jump in: “No no sweetie, that wasn’t honey. It was my all-natural ball wax.”

The awkwardness relieved, we go on our merry way.

STAGE 6: EXCITEMENT
I often find that people say “you must be getting excited about your trip” long before you genuinely feel that way. For me, the excitement starts the moment I miss my last deadline.

STAGE 7: DISBELIEF
I think this is why so many people walk around airport departure levels in zombie-like states. It makes sense in arrivals, jet lag and all, but in departures it is the only reasonable explanation for the exorbitant price of duty-free bocce ball wax.

0 Comments

KIWI KOUNTDOWN PART 2: INSTAGRAM-FUELLED EXCITEMENT BUILDS

12/6/2017

0 Comments

 
Full disclosure: I'm trying to like Instagram. I have an account I use now and then, but as a travel writer I can't help but feel it undermines my chosen field. A click is a click is a click, I suppose, but when you get paid by the word the power of digital photography becomes highly disconcerting. Then again, 375 million active users can't be wrong, and many of the posts I come across are pretty damn cool. That must be why Instagram is making me feel so optimistic about my family's upcoming trip to New Zealand.  

With exactly one week till take off, I just stumbled upon New Zealand Tourism's "Top 10 Instagram spots in 2017." ​

Which ones are already on OUR itinerary?

Picture
1. Milford Sound? If it's good enough for Rudyard Kipling, it's good enough for us...
Picture
2. The Hobbiton Movie Set? By the Staff of Gandalf, the Bisbys will be there!
Picture
3. Lake Tekapo? Does a kiwi bird flit in the woods?
Picture
4. Mount Maunganui? I've never been able to resist an extinct volcanic cone.
Picture
5. Aoraki/Mount Cook? I'm looking forward to admiring the mountain named after the man Captain Kirk was named after.
Picture
6. Lake Wanaka? Yes, but I'LL bring an ENTIRE watermelon.
Picture
7. Tongariro Alpine Crossing? Trek 19kms over an active stratovolcano with two young kids? Yes, as long as my taser is fully charged.
Picture
8. Takapuna Beach? If it's good enough for Shania Twain, it's good enough for us.
Picture
9. Lake Wakatipu? Legend has it the lake was formed when a giant sleeping ogre was burned. Or was he tasered? Either way, this could lay the groundwork for Tongariro Alpine Crossing.
Picture
10. Lake Pukaki? That's 10 out of 10, friendos! Now you can follow ME on Instagram to see what all these spots look like when partly obscured by an enormous blurry finger...
0 Comments

SKI RESORTS AND AVALANCHE SKILLS TRAINING: TOGETHER AT LAST

11/21/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
On the northeastern flank of British Columbia's 2,408-metre Terminator Peak, a group of 10 skiers, some with avalanche transceivers in hand, charge into a small stand of pines.

"Over here!" shouts Martha Handford of Canmore, Alta., as soon as her beeping device locates a buried target. Her Australian rescue partner, Scott Burley, immediately deploys an extendable probe and begins stabbing it into the snow in a spiral pattern. A direct hit is made in less than a minute, prompting the pair to start digging like crazy.

It's a scene that would send chills down the spine of any back-country veteran; thankfully, this isn't a real rescue. There are no physical signs of an avalanche and two ski patrollers in red jackets shout instructions from a groomed trail nearby. If any doubt remains, it evaporates when a member of the group pauses to snap a selfie.

The skiers are in the midst of a weekend-long avalanche skills training (AST) course run by Kicking Horse Mountain Resort. The six men and four women, from the ages of 23 to 63, aren't locals or staff. All of them are here on vacation.

Until quite recently, most resorts did little or nothing to educate visitors about avalanche avoidance and survival. Ski areas such as Kicking Horse spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each year on snow-safety measures such as forecasting, signage, fencing and ballistics, but they aren't technically responsible for the terrain outside their boundaries or for lift-ticket holders who choose to enter it. So safety training for guests was typically left to third-party outfitters and alpine organizations.

What has changed? Back-country skiing has exploded in popularity in the past decade, so now many of the resorts that tacitly enable the inherently risky activity are working harder to educate resort skiers on back-country safety. Most of British Columbia's big resorts – Kicking Horse, Revelstoke, Whitewater, Sun Peaks and Whistler Blackcomb, to name a few – have all been expanding their snow-safety education programs in recent years.

"We're at the start of a shift in resort mentality," says Sean Nyilassy, a member of Kicking Horse's mountain safety department who leads the weekend-long programs. "From our boundaries, you can instantly enter uncontrolled back-country terrain, where inexperienced or uneducated skiers can run into trouble. We still see a lot of people out of bounds without the proper equipment, and for every 10 we see there are 100 who get away with it. This puts our guests and our rescue personnel at risk. But with the proper education, the risk goes down."

Snow-safety education got a shot in the arm in 2004 when Avalanche Canada's headquarters opened in the town of Revelstoke, B.C., 150 kilometres west of Kicking Horse down the TransCanada Highway, the aptly nicknamed "Powder Highway." Among much else, the NGO issues daily avalanche forecasts for Canada's most popular back-country regions via its website and smartphone app – both of which are invaluable AST tools – and shapes AST curriculum. Revelstoke is a fitting home for the centre, given that snow safety is such an inescapable fact of life in this part of the world. A few blocks away, the Land of Thundering Snow exhibit at the Revelstoke Museum & Archives explores avalanche research and snow science, with an online component that focuses on skier safety both in and out of bounds.

Ten years after Revelstoke hosted its first course, a variety of AST programming occupies just about every weekend from December to March. A day-long companion rescue skills course, meanwhile, is designed to refresh rusty skiers and educate time-crunched visitors.

Then there's the "Avalanche Ranch," which Revelstoke unveiled in 2014. The wireless transceiver training area, the first of its kind in Canada, occupies a hockey rink-size basin at the top of the resort's busiest lift and allows skiers to hone their transceiver and probe skills. "This is as much about awareness as it is about ability," explains avalanche forecaster Chad Hemphill. "It gets the seriousness of back-country safety across more effectively than a bunch of signs."

Hidden under the snow blanketing the Ranch are eight targets. Each is toggled on or off at a junction box, and when each is struck the box emits a loud beep. Hemphill's demonstration draws the attention of several youngsters, who shout encouragement to the target-seeking travel writer struggling through waist-deep snow.

Young skiers such as these, and their worried parents, are the focus of other resort-based programs such as Whitewater's month-spanning "Avalanche Awareness Beyond the Boundaries" – a free course now in its seventh year – and Sun Peaks' All Mountain Skills weekend camp, which launched in 2014.

"What do kids want to do? They want to duck the rope and ski out of bounds. And I would say the vast majority of them are unprepared," says Bodie Shandro, who runs Sun Peaks' camp. "Kids show up and say, 'I'm here because my dad says I have to be here,' but by the end of the day, they're totally into it."

READ THE REST OF THE STORY IN THE GLOBE AND MAIL (AND FIND OUT WHERE YOU CAN TAKE AN AST COURSE)

0 Comments

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY: CALLING THE PACK N' PLAY HELP LINE

8/16/2017

0 Comments

 
PictureYours truly moments after retiring our Pack N' Play.
Second marriages, second winds, second chances, split-second miscalculations — if I had to ascribe a theme to the last few months of 2017, it would be "The Summer of Other People's Babies."

Being an uncle, both formally and informally, offers the best of both worlds when it comes to infant exposure: All the fun and cuteness with none of the diaper-changing and Pack N’ Play deployment.

If there's one aspect of early fatherhood I do not miss, it is the late-night set-up of the latter. Indeed, it seems like only yesterday that I placed this (entirely fictional) call to Graco's (entirely fictional) help line:
 • Welcome to Pack N’ Play customer support! For help deploying your folding crib, press “1” or say “deploy.”
 • For help extracting your Pack N’ Play from the overstuffed trunk of your car, press “2” or buy a minivan already.
 • If your Pack N’ Play is sitting in a twisted heap in the middle of your in-laws’ spare bedroom, press “3” or swear loudly.
(Sound of “1” being pressed)
 • Crib deployment. Before you begin, remove any sharp or dangerous objects — or heckling in-laws — from the room. Also, good luck deploying your Pack N’ Play while holding a phone.
 • Remove the Pack N’ Play’s nylon cover (assuming you haven’t lost it) and stand the crib on one end. Then remove the mattress pad by releasing the Velcro tabs. If you’re having trouble this early on, you should probably give up and put junior to bed in the bathtub.
 • Next, splay the four legs. Even though it’s jutting up into your face, resist the temptation to push down on the centre of the crib. If you do, you’re screwed.
 • Snap the four side bars into place by alternately twisting, pulling, shaking and bashing the central button thingy. Then push down on the (badly damaged) central button thingy until the crib is fully unfolded.
 • Put the mattress pad in the bottom of the crib with the “soft” side facing up, and place the fitted sheet over the mattress pad. What fitted sheet, you ask? Don’t worry, the bare pad isn’t nearly as uncomfortable as it looks. To continue, press “pound.”
(Sound of “pound” being pressed)

Congratulations on deploying your Pack N’ Play! Don’t forget to put a child in there at some point.

​If, however, you have become trapped inside the Pack N’ Play, please hang up and call 911.

0 Comments
<<Previous

    Author

    Follow Adam Bisby
    as he indulges his passion for globe-setting
    and jet-trotting.

    Archives

    December 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    September 2019
    August 2019
    June 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014

    Categories

    All
    Adam Bisby
    Adventure
    Aeroplan
    Airbnb
    Air Canada
    Air Miles
    Airport Lounges
    Airports
    Air Rage
    Air Transat
    Air Travel
    Alberta
    Alps
    Animal Therapy
    Animal Therapy Day
    Anniversary
    Antarctica
    Apps
    April Fools Day
    Archaeology
    Architecture
    Arctic
    Arizona
    Art
    Astronomy
    Australia
    Austria
    Awards
    Babies
    Bahamas
    Baked Goods
    Banff
    Bangkok
    Banksy
    Bars
    Baseball
    B&bs
    Beach
    Bed Bugs
    Beer
    Berlin
    Big Lebowski
    Bitcoin
    Black Friday
    Black Mirror
    Blogs
    Blue Jays
    Blue Mountain
    Boating
    Books
    Boston
    Breweries
    British Columbia
    Bucket List
    Budget Travel
    Calgary
    Calgary Flames
    California
    Camping
    Camps
    Canada
    Canada 150
    Canada 150 Countdown
    Canada 200 Countdown
    Canada 420 Countdown
    Canada Day
    Canadian Dollar
    Cannabis
    Caves
    CBC
    CFL
    Charities
    Cheese
    Chicago
    Christmas
    City Of Toronto
    Climate Change
    Climbing
    Cocktails
    Coffee
    Cold
    Collingwood
    Colorado
    Conservation
    Contest
    Costa Rica
    Cottage Country
    Cougars
    Couples Travel
    Covid 19
    Covid-19
    Crowdfunding
    Cruises
    Cruising
    Culture
    Cyber Monday
    Cycling
    Dance
    Daylight Savings Time
    Deals
    Decor
    Degrassi
    Destination Weddings
    Disaster
    Disc Golf
    Dogs
    Dogs At Work
    Donald Trump
    Donate
    Drake
    Ducks
    Earth Day
    Easter
    Eco Travel
    Eels
    Egypt
    Elon Musk
    England
    Escape Winter
    Extreme Sports
    Fall
    Family
    Family Day
    Family Travel
    Fans
    Father's Day
    Fees
    Feminism
    Fes
    Film
    First Nations
    Fishing
    Florida
    Food
    Fort Mcmurray
    France
    Freelancing
    Frequent Flyer Plans
    Friends
    Gadgets
    Gatineau
    Gear
    Getting Lost
    Gift Cards
    Gifts
    Gisele Bundchen
    Glaciers
    Global Warming
    Globe And Mail
    Golf
    Gord Downie
    Gps
    Great Canadian Travel Deals
    Green Travel
    Halloween
    Health
    Helicopters
    Highway 401
    Hiking
    History
    Hoaxes
    Hockey
    Home Office
    Hotels
    Hotels.com
    Hotel Theft
    Hot Tubs
    House Of Cards
    Hugh Hefner
    Iceland
    Ice Storm
    Indigenous Peoples
    Instagram
    International Day Of Happiness
    Iphones
    Italy
    Jasper
    Jerusalem
    Jesus
    Jokes
    Justin Bieber
    Kamloops
    Kids
    Kingston
    Kiwi Kronicles
    Labrador
    Lake Louise
    Lakes
    Laos
    Last-minute
    Las Vegas
    Leap Day
    Lockdown
    Loire Valley
    London
    Lord Of The Rings
    Luggage
    Macguyver
    Mad Men
    Magazines
    Manitoba
    March Break
    Marrakesh
    Mexico
    Miami
    Miami Beach
    Milkshakes
    Mobile Devices
    Montreal
    Mont Tremblant
    Monty Python
    Morocco
    Mother's Day
    Mountains
    Movies
    Multimedia
    Museums
    Music
    Muskoka
    Myrtle Beach
    Nairobi
    Namibia
    National Parks
    Nature
    Nepal
    Nepal Earthquake
    Netflix
    Netherlands
    New Brunswick
    Newfoundland
    New Orleans
    New Years
    New York
    New Zealand
    Nhl
    Niagara
    Nineties
    Northern Lights
    Northwest Territories
    Nova Scotia
    Nunavut
    Ontario
    Ottawa
    Owen Sound
    Oxford
    Paddling
    Pandemic
    Parenting
    Paris
    Parks
    Pei
    Perks
    Pets
    Photography
    Playboy
    Podium Of Idiotic Tourists
    Poetry
    Politics
    Poutine
    Prairies
    Prince Edward County
    Privacy
    Prizes
    Productivity
    Provincial Parks
    Psychology
    Public Transit
    Pubs
    Pulp Fiction
    Quebec
    Quiz
    Religion
    Remembrance Day
    Resolutions
    Resorts
    Restaurants
    Ripley's Aquarium
    Road Trips
    Rob Ford
    Rodeo
    Room Service
    Russia
    Santa Claus
    Saskatchewan
    Science
    Science Fiction
    Selfies
    Seven Wonders Of The World
    Shuswap
    Simcoe
    Simpsons
    Ski
    Skiing
    Skydiving
    Smartphones
    Snow
    Snowmobiling
    Snowshoeing
    South Carolina
    Spa
    Space Travel
    Spain
    Speed
    Sports
    Spring
    Spring Skiing
    Squamish
    Stargazing
    Staycations
    Stockholm
    Stowaways
    St. Patrick's Day
    Stranger Things
    Summer
    Summer Holidays
    Superheroes
    Survey
    Sydney
    Taxes
    Technology
    Television
    Tesla
    Thailand
    Theme Parks
    The Shining
    Tiktok
    Tik Tok
    Tim Hortons
    Tobogganing
    Toiletries
    Tom Brady
    Top 10 Lists
    Toronto
    Toronto Islands
    Toronto Maple Leafs
    Toronto Star
    Tours
    Tragically Hip
    Travel
    Travel Deals
    Travel Gifts
    Travel Rewards
    Trees
    Trends
    Tripadvisor
    Tube Parks
    Turkey
    Turkmenistan
    Turks & Caicos
    Union Pearson Express
    United States
    Utah
    Valentine's Day
    Vancouver
    Vermont
    Vintage
    Viral Videos
    Volunteering
    Water Can
    Waterparks
    Water Sports
    Weather
    Weird
    Westjet
    Whistler
    Wildlife
    Wind Farms
    Wine
    Winter
    Working From Home
    Workplace Morale
    World Heritage Sites
    World Tourism Day
    Yukon
    Yyz
    Zoo
    Zurich

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.