You came into our lives one night
By waddling down our street
We knew you were a duckling
You had a beak and cute webbed feet

You ran under a parked Toyota
I found a box to put you in
Some guy used a broom to nab you
He was like Gretzky with that thing!

My daughters were beyond excited
“A duckling! In my room!”
I told them that they couldn’t touch you
As that would seal your doom

A nest was fashioned, tout de suite
From towels and serviettes
I’m pretty sure, were I not there
They would have fed you Chex

A Google search soon revealed
A duckling-friendly menu
So milk, and peas, and boiled egg
Were added to your venue

You started swimming in the milk
And churned it like a blender
Then scattered peas and egg around
Like Bieber on a bender

We needed Animal Services
I dialed the free hotline
And as I did, “Can we keep him?”
Was repeated 16 times

“Ducklings are wild animals,”
Came my stern reply
“He’d be unhappy living here
He’d never learn to fly.”

“What about the duck on Friends?”
Asked Grace, full of defiance,
“If Joey can look after one,
It can’t be rocket science.”

“Rest assured, my daughter dear,”
I quickly bantered back
As soon as “Joey” leaves the set
Duck wranglers pick up the slack

“That’s it!” cried Ava, eyes aglow
“Duck wrangling is my dream!
Father, please don’t kill my hopes
Like adamantium killed Wolverine.”

Just in time, the Muzak ended
A real person came online
“It’s after-hours,” he said politely,
“Five hours is the wait time.”

Given the lateness of the hour,
I guessed this meant next morning
So after closing Ducky’s box
I joined my family in withdrawing

I awoke, saw on my phone
The voicemail tab alight
Cameron from Animal Services
Had come by after midnight

So I called and left a message
Then I took the girls aside
“When you get home from school,” I said,
“Ducky may not here reside.”

“Ontario Wildlife Rescue
Will provide his new abode
He’ll be much happier there, my dears
Not waddling down the road.”

“‘We saved him!’ That’s the takeaway!”
Were my parting words
Disconsolate, they turned away
Thinking me absurd

So I waited, with my ringer on
For Cameron to return
He prefers to go by “The Avian Assassin”
As we would later learn

It could be that’s the reason
Our duck guest seemed quite neurotic
Leaping against his cardboard walls
He was almost robotic

Eat some egg, jump for thirty
Drink some milk, make nest dirty
Jump for thirty, eat some peas
Ducky, quit this jumping, please!

Then wee Ducky, he started peeping
As first I felt my eardrums bleeding
But as I listened to his pleas
My urge to keep him did increase

This went on for about six hours
What eating, jumping, and peeping powers!
Then in the door came Ava and Gracie
Followed by Evie, Pam and Stacey

After them came Peg and Sue
Then a minute later, Ivy Blue
Not Blue Ivy of Queen B fame
You get the idea just the same

My kitchen was crammed full of kids
The duck was starring in 14 vids
Eating peas, then jumping lots
Was going to kill it on Tik Tok

At dinner, Ducky, half awake
Seemed to be resigned to his fate
And resolutely hunkered down
In his makeshift apartment brown

Then at the door there came a knock
Cameron, adding to his flock
“Evening, all,” he said, quite plucky,
“Now tell me, girls, WHERE’S THE DUCKY?”

Cam’s approach was poorly planned
He came across like Slenderman
The girls, now scarred, quickly retreated
Their tear ducts soon to be depleted

“Hold on, girls,” Cam said, polite
“Check out this FAWN from just last night
Her mom got hit by a passing Jeep
Then we found her in a yard, asleep.”

Cam produced his sticky phone
Revealing the mystery of this poem
A fawn, awake, its eyes imploring
Soon our Ducky became quite boring

Cam, he quickly grabbed the box
And said, “My work is done here, boss”
Then turned and ambled out the door
My family was duck-less, once more

The girls, dreaming of fawns, retired
Never thinking that Cam had conspired
To trick them with fawn stock photos
Good thing we were dealing with pros

Before she closed her eyes, Grace said,
“Can we get a dog instead?”
Then she started singing “Bingo”
I’m sure she’d take a rabid dingo

Dingos, I’d turn down these days
Along with pure-breds, pups and strays
Any pet is out of luck
With one exception: Any kind of duck.

“We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain
Moor and mountain
Following yonder star…”

​The Crash Test Dummies’ baritonal rendition of the holiday classic jingles out of the rental-car stereo just as Sommet Saint-Sauveur’s starry lights come into view. It’s just past 4pm on Dec. 23, and as usual I’m driving from the Central Train Station in Montreal to the family chalet near Mont Tremblant.

Sauveur’s night-skiing operations, and others like them, have been lighting my way along the Laurentian Autoroute for years. But unlike the biblical Magi, who famously followed a star, I have always bypassed the valley’s beckoning beacons.

Not so this year. With ski gear in the trunk, fresh flakes on the highway and a few hours to spare, some warm-up laps sound like just the thing before hitting the slopes of Eastern Canada’s largest ski resort.

It turns out to be one of the best pit-stops I’ve ever made. So great, in fact, that I’ve taken three more detours along the Corduroy Highway, as I’ve come to call it, since then. There’s certainly no shortage of options: With a dozen impeccably-groomed hills lining the 70 kilometres of blacktop between between Sauveur and Tremblant, the Riviere du Nord valley is home to Canada's densest concentration of ski areas, all of which are making the most of 2019 spring skiing thanks to one of the best snowfall seasons on record.

This ski-area abundance goes back to the late 19th century, when the P'tit Train du Nord railway line — now Canada’s longest multi-use rail trail — first linked Sainte-Agathe-des-Monts and Montreal. This made it much easier for city-dwellers to explore the region, which became even more popular when one of North America’s first mechanical ski lifts was installed on Mont Saint-Sauveur in 1934. In those early years local hotels tended to operate their own lifts, many of which serviced single runs. No wonder more than 220 ski operations are said to have opened in the valley since 1900.

Another pleasant surprise: Despite their proximity and shared Laurentian setting, the four resorts I’ve sampled so far are pleasingly varied, with histories, personalities, terrain, cuisine and quirks all their own. What makes each worthy of much more than a pit-stop? Here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

Sommet Saint-Sauveur
The record-setting extent of Sauveur’s nightskiing hits home as I stand at the top of the L’Atomic Expresshigh-speed quad. Radiating outward like the spokes of a massive whitewashed wagon wheel, the six wonderfully groomed runs below me might account for the full extent of evening descents at many much larger ski areas. At Sauveur, however, more than 70 per cent of the 40 trails are illuminated, yielding 48 hectares of floodlit terrain — reputed to be the most extensive on Earth.

My nocturnal opportunities feel limitless. To the left and right, beginner-friendly traverses lead to seven more of Sauveur’s lifts, as well as to the three that climb adjoining Sommet Avila. I charge down the single-black Côte 70 Est in front of me as if the world’s last remaining order of poutine is waiting for me at the bottom. Thankfully, Sauveur’s stylish T-Bar 70 restaurant has plenty of fresh cheese curds and gravy on hand, as well as the breaded chicken strips, crispy bacon and pepper sauce it adds to its signature version of Quebec’s famous dish. A crisp Griffintown craft pilsner caps my pit stop within a pit stop, and I head back out to carve down groomer after groomer.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE STORY IN SKI CANADA MAGAZINE

Last year, I learned a valuable lesson in Ellicottville: Craft beer is obliterating the stereotype that American brews are weak and watery.

Now, I'm learning something else: A private ski resort isn't always a private ski resort. 

Eighteen months after our first visit to charming Ellicottville, the brood and I are back to check out nearby HoliMont, the largest private ski area in the United States (by membership). The good news for non-members like us is that HoliMont is open to the public on weekdays, which is how we've been able to ski there. The resort's 46 trails and eight lifts are providing some textbook spring skiing, with the welcoming atmosphere enhanced by stone fireplaces in the expansive main lodge and floor-to-ceiling windows facing the snowy slopes.

Spring skiing, especially with children who are learning to snowboard, provides a natural excuse to enjoy a beer or three. And as is the case with 12.6 percent of Ontario March Breaks, St. Patrick's Day just happens to be the very last day of this year's nine-day parental gauntlet.

Good thing the Ellicottville Brewing Co.'s wares are so well-represented at nearby Holiday Valley, the largest public ski area in New York State. The eponymous lodge's raucous T-Bar lounge pours a Ski Bum hoppy ale and a Blueberry Wheat Ale garnished with real berries. Next door, the fifth outpost of the Massachusetts-based John Harvard's Brewery is home to 20-plus taps, including a decadent Chocolate Cherry Bomb Imperial Stout produced by Ellicottville Brewing.

Craft beers multiply exponentially during the annual Holiday Valley Beer and Wine Festival, when more than 30 brewers crowd the resort's base area each November. For even more sudsy variety, EBC's stylish dining and entertainment complex serves up flights and brewery tours.

READ MORE OF MY CRAFT BEER-MEETS-SKIING STORY IN THE GLOBE AND MAIL

After years of bitter disappointment, my daughter Grace finally received a GT Snowracer from Santa this past Christmas. Then, after weeks of bitter disappointment, there was finally enough snow on the ground this weekend to use the sweet steerable sled.

Grace was fired up, but only slightly more fired up than I was. After all, I loved my 1980s Snowracer even more than I adored my Green Machine. The GT has got to be one of the most enduringly popular winter toys of all time. Since its invention in the early 1970s, the Snowracer's manufacturer, Stiga, has gone on to produce SX Pro models with BMX-style handlebars for more extreme sledding. 

The GT model is the classic, however, and as I watched Grace and her buddies hurtle down the short-but-steep slope at Toronto's Rennie Park it occurred to me that I have no idea what "GT" actually stands for. A quick Wikipedia search reveals that the acronym typically means "grand touring" in the automotive industry, with GT models offering higher-performance engines and more comfortable interiors designed for long trips.

But with its hard plastic seat and gravity-based propulsion system, this doesn't really apply to the Snowracer. So, with Stiga ignoring my voice mails, emails and sky writing, I've developed a few theories as to the origin of the Snowracer's initials:

Golden Trousers: Swedish engineer Erland "Golden Trousers" Wikner is credited with having invented the Snowracer.

Guaranteed Terror: What you get when you put a nine-year-old on a Snowracer and send it down a snowy hill teeming with approximately 400 other excited kids.

G&T: What daddy needs after an afternoon of snowracing.

Generous THC: What daddy needs after an afternoon of snowracing.

Gaaah-Thunk​: The sound of two Snowracers colliding (and their warranties being simultaneously voided).

Grace Tolja: Like when Grace said, "I tolja Santa knows how to make fast toys!"

.gt: The Internet country code top-level domain for Guatemala.

Good Thing: As in, "Good thing for the brake, or that sled would be in Scarborough by now."

Giggle at Toronto: What the rest of Canada does whenever it snows enough to actually use a Snowracer here.

It’s too bad CBD massages weren’t as much of a thing in 2004, when I wrote several spa reviews for the Globe and Mail’s now-defunct “World of Wellbeing” column. After all, the two therapists who subjected me to my first (and last) "Mystical Water Ride" probably could have used one. 

Then as now, I took great pride in telling it like it was. Exactly how moist were the towelettes? Did the shower jets tickle or sting? How well did the piped-in pan-flute complement the live mandolin? I had the spa scoop when it counted. But there was one isolated incident I never reported. For one thing, it wasn’t really review material. For another, it was spectacularly embarrassing for everyone involved. Then again, those tend to be best stories, so here goes:

Shortly after checking into Port Severn’s lovely Christie’s Mill Inn, I made my way to the 7,000-square-foot Avalon spa for my Mystical Water Ride. The brand-new treatment started off swimmingly: After stripping down and being vigorously scrubbed and slathered in warm seaweed — behind curtains that somehow maintained my modesty — I was wrapped in towels, placed on a gurney and left to marinate for about half an hour.

Next, the gurney was wheeled under the seven high-powered jets of a Vichy shower. The two female attendants unwrapped me with the greatest discretion and care, and momentarily left the room so I could cover my naughty bits with an adequate-seeming face towel. The idea was that the shower would exfoliate my skin and remove the seaweed.

​​But it also removed the face towel.

In my near-comatose state, I was initially oblivious to the kerfuffle this caused. I did notice that the flow of water had ceased, and out of the corner of my eye I saw one of the attendants scamper across the room to retrieve my terrycloth fig leaf. It was delicately repositioned, the shower was restarted, and the towel was again blasted to the far side of the room.

It turned into a strange kind of repetitive dance: Rearrange towel, turn on water, towel goes flying, retrieve towel. It didn’t bother me much: I’m not especially modest, and the water was warm enough to avoid the Seinfeldian shrinkage all men fear. The attendants, however, seemed mortified, even after I mumbled that I didn’t really care about the towel as long as the powerful shower jets weren't aimed at the area it was covering.        

After about 15 towel retrievals the shower was over and I was quickly, and perhaps too securely, wrapped in several larger towels. I felt smooth, clean, tingly and generally wonderful. The bedraggled spa attendants, however, looked like they had been blasted with water cannons.

Shortly thereafter, I noticed that Avalon had stopped offering the "Mystical Water Ride." So I have to wonder: Was I the first, and last, Mystical Water Rider? 

With my first full year of (borderline successful) full-time freelancing (almost) behind me, here’s how I see the eight days BEFORE Dec. 25 shaping up as I continue to work from home:

On the first day of Christmas, some guy emailed me
Asking that I work for free

On the second day of Christmas, the guy referred to me
As "Dear Allan Bixby"
And again asked that I work for free

On the third day of Christmas, three clients mailed to me
Greeting cards saying
"Dear Adam Bisby"
Means a lot to know they value me

On the fourth day of Christmas, the CRA sent me
Four HST forms
Three payment docs
Two veiled threats
And a note about interest fees

On the fifth day of Christmas, I read a nifty tweet

(About the) Five Golden Rules!!!!! (of freelancing):

Never miss deadlines
Always show up
Be low-maintenance
Do good work and don’t do it for free

On the sixth day of Christmas, I had a lovely dream:
Six-figure salaries

Five golden handshakes!!!!!

Four soaring stocks
Three health plans
Two pension funds
And a chalet near Lake Louise

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Seven pounds of coffee
Six iPhone chargers

Five Golden Brooms!!!!!

Four "sick day" nooners
Three bath bombs
Two mental notes
And a new bathrobe already

On the eighth day of Christmas, my two kids gave to me
Eight playdate pickups
Seven missing backpacks
Six permission forms

Five (requests for) golden retrievers!!!!!

Four data overages
Three French tests
Two turtle deaths
And two reasons to rock 2019...

The Bisby clan was in high spirits last night after witnessing a stirring third-period comeback by the Intelliware Warriors, who earned their first point of the Swansea Girls Hockey League season.

Grace, our nine-year-old Mitch Marner wannabe, was pleased to have registered her first shot on goal (and 47th cross-check). Her big sister Ava was pleased that we were on our way to her favourite coffee shop for hot chocolate. Angela and I were pleased to have avoided both frostbite and SGHL disciplinary action while watching the outdoor game.
​
As we drove north from Rennie Park Ice Rink, a sudden flash of greenish light illuminated the clear night sky ahead of us. At first I thought it was a distressed aircraft, but its blazing speed instantly put paid to that theory. Milliseconds after we spotted it, the fiery object seemed to splinter before disappearing behind the storefronts lining Bloor Street West.

The next morning I checked Twitter, and lo and behold, dozens of others had also seen (and reported) the 9:15pm light show.

Then I clicked over to GlobeandMail.com, and lo and behold, my Travel story on winter stargazing had just been posted. In fact, it was posted at almost exactly the same time as the meteor’s spectacular demise.

That, my friends, is what keeps me showing up for work every other afternoon.

Should I have chosen differently?  

The question springs to mind atop Keystone Resort’s Independence Bowl. Sure, it would have been sensible to start the 2017-18 season at a smaller eastern hill. With my new Epic Pass stashed in my left glove’s zip pocket there are several I could have picked. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

My gelatinous desk-job quads and lack of big-mountain prep make the 250 vertical metres of Colorado powder below me almost as daunting as they are thrilling. Almost, but not quite: Excitement inches ahead of trepidation during the snowcat ride up, then takes full control midway through my first turn.

Five heady descents later I spot the self-proclaimed “World’s Largest Snow Fort” as Keystone Adventure Tours’ cat-ski excursion returns to the top of Dercum Mountain. Suddenly I miss the brood back home, and the feeling lingers as I ski past the H&H Mining Camp, one of six Kids’ Adventure Zones where bridges and tunnels turn the slopes into a snowy playground.

An hour’s drive west of Denver, Keystone bolsters its family-oriented reputation with the annual Kidtopia festival, 3,000-plus condos in five slopeside villages, and wintry superlatives such as the turreted snow fort, a five-acre skating lake billed as the largest in the U.S., and a six-lane tube park that, at 3,548 metres above sea level, is said to be the loftiest on Earth. All signs point to a stellar 2018-19 season, with the resort opening early — on Nov. 7 — for the first time in nearly a decade thanks to nearly four feet of snow since the middle of October.

By the time I arrive at the Keystone Ranch for dinner, I’m pining more for my spouse than for my offspring. Housed in a 1930s log cabin with a soaring stone fireplace, the steakhouse and lounge is about as cosy and romantic as it gets. And on this evening, there isn’t a chicken finger in sight.

As the ski season unfolds, it starts to resemble a “Choose Your Own Adventure” novel in which I am both decision-maker and protagonist. But instead of turning to Page 47 and being transformed into a newt — or some such bizarre fictional outcome — my Epic Pass compels  me to hop planes to Colorado, Vermont and British Columbia, where I am transformed into a snow-clad, grinning blur.

To find out how the rest of my inaugural Epic winter unfolded, check out the story in the Globe and Mail...

Yesterday was no ordinary Wednesday, and not just because it marked the legalization of recreational cannabis consumption in Canada. In fact, as the afternoon unfolded, Oct. 17 became curiouser and curiouser:

Noon: I join my buddy Joel for lunch on Roncesvalles Ave. The bacon on my BLT is burned, the poutine is seriously over-curded, there are jalapeno poppers mixed in with my chicken wings, and 80 percent of our cupcakes are sloppily iced.

2:15pm: As our server searches for the misplaced payment machine, we overhear two diners planning an art exhibit. When one suggests some kind of naughty Banksy knock-off — “Spanksy” or something like that — the other laughs and exclaims, “Are you high?!?” The reply: “Yes, as a matter of fact, I am high.”

2:30pm: While walking home, I witness the near-collision of three exhausted-looking Uber Eats cyclists and a careening Foodera delivery van.

2:45pm: The dentist office calls to confirm my Oct. 15 cleaning. After clearing that up — oh how we laugh — we eventually come to an agreement that teeth are kind of gross.

4pm: The cable company calls to convince me to upgrade my channel package. We spend the next 19 minutes discussing our favourite Black Mirror episodes.

4:19pm: Inexplicably, the line goes dead. I look at my phone and notice I’ve lost both the cell signal and Wi-Fi connection. Suddenly the power goes out, and seconds later I hear the unmistakable wail of air raid sirens. I run into into the front yard, and stare open-mouthed at the sky as a squadron of Zeppelins blocks out the sun while a flock of heavily-armoured flamingos...

4:20pm: I jolt awake to the sound of the ringing doorbell, check the time, leap from the bathtub and hastily don my housecoat. I'm not expecting a visit from Snoop Dogg, but you never know.

4:22pm: It turns out to be the good people from the Save the Children charity. I donate a few bucks after they stop giggling for long enough to explain that opting not to save even a few children is a "total dick move."

4:45pm: When I ask Google to “play Tragically Hip” — it being the first anniversary of Gord Downie’s passing and all — it plays “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.” When I ask it to play the Grateful Dead, it plays “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.” Ween? “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.” Englebert Humperdink? “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.” And so it goes...

4:55pm: I call Google tech support and am put on hold. The music on the line? You guessed it.

5:15pm: How did all these tumbleweeds get into the toaster strudel aisle at the grocery store?

5:30pm: Everyone in the "12 items or less" line is trying to recover their credit-card passwords.

6pm: On my way out of the store I stop to chat with the two off-duty police officers guarding the ice cream. Coincidentally, both are looking forward to the four-week vacations they just booked.