By Adam Bisby, the greatest globe-trotting, child-wrangling, season-pushing and hyphen-abusing freelance journalist in Toronto's M6R postal code.
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MOSTLY AMAZING LAUNCHES ‘1,000 PLACES TO SEE AFTER YOU DIE’ TRAVEL GUIDE

3/26/2018

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PictureThe first edition of "1,000 Places To See After You Die" is available in Aramaic and 37,385 other languages.
TORONTO, CANADA -- In a groundbreaking move aimed at the 100.8 billion human beings who are no longer with us, Mostly Amazing has launched 1,000 Places To See After You Die.

“By publishing an Aramaic edition on Easter Sunday, we’re hoping a certain someone will read, enjoy and endorse this compelling afterlife travel guide,” said Adam Bisby, Mostly Amazing’s Supreme Leader. “After all, so many fascinating places have emerged since 33 AD, and you can only sit next to your dad for so long.”

The richly illustrated book, conveniently laminated to prevent ectoplasm smearing, highlights unique destinations such as:

Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Jerusalem
Admire the magnificent stone arches that are believed to have been built over the biblical Calvary, where Jesus died and rose from the dead. Spectral practical jokers, meanwhile, will get a kick out of materializing above holiday crowds while wearing fake beards, loincloths and thorny crowns.

​Evans City Cemetery, Pennsylvania
A must for zombies, this bucolic graveyard north of Pittsburgh was a shooting location for 1968’s Night of The Living Dead. Bury yourself, wait for a few movie buffs to show up, and let the fun begin! Bonus points for learning a few "Thriller" dance moves.

The Great Pyramid of Giza
Any mummy worth its sarcophagus should shuffle on over to the 147-metre-tall Great Pyramid of Giza. The good news: The only remaining Wonder of the Ancient World is almost as spectacular today as it was when it was constructed some 4,000 years ago. The bad news: You'll probably have to pose in a few selfies, so be sure to have some really nasty curses cooked up.

For a limited time, each copy of 1,000 Places To See After You Die will include a complimentary harp holster and pitchfork stand. The guide is also available in a fireproof format, with miniature and waterproof versions designed for readers who are reincarnated as insects or marine creatures.

“With the eternal souls of everyone who has ever lived among our potential readership, we’re confident that the first-ever guide to bucket-list travel for after you've kicked the bucket will achieve bestseller status,” Bisby added. “Plus, it makes an inevitably wonderful gift for anyone still alive today, except maybe Elon Musk."

To order a copy of 1,000 Places To See After You Die, simply click here.

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WOULD YOU PAY EXTRA FOR AN AIRLINE LIFE VEST?

4/1/2016

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In yet another example of airlines nickel-and-diming passengers with in-flight charges, InterWest Airways has announced plans to introduce fees for life vests, oxygen masks and the use of those inflatable slides that deploy when commercial aircraft ditch in water.

"With our competitors charging for basics like food, beverages, blankets and luggage, we feel the time is right to roll out a reasonable fee structure for our on-board life-saving equipment," said InterWest CEO Avril Dysloofa during a press conference at the company's headquarters in Chattanooga, Tenn.

The move is the latest in a steady stream of supplemental in-flight charges that started with meals and refreshments and has grown to encompass entertainment, pillows, blankets and carry-on luggage. Ireland-based Ryanair has even suggested that passengers should pay extra to use aircraft toilets. 

InterWest's pre-flight safety demonstrations will continue as usual, Dysloofa explained, but are now followed by complimentary screenings of Alive and Castaway. Passengers will then have the opportunity to purchase reusable life vests for $49.99 via seat-back touch-screens.

"Any passenger who enjoys boating or water sports — or appreciates the extra in-flight security of a personal flotation device — will find our vests deliver excellent value," she added.

For another $49.99, passengers will be issued keys to unlock the overheard compartments from which oxygen masks tumble in the event of a loss of air pressure. "Flight attendants will of course be on hand to assist children, dwarfs and vertically-challenged passengers who are unable to reach the locks from a seated position," Dysloofa added.

Lastly, colour-coded wristbands will identify passengers who have paid $49.99 for the convenience of using the inflatable emergency exit slides. "Not only are the slides invaluable tools for avoiding a watery or fiery death, but they beat the pants off anything at Wild Water Kingdom," Dysloofa said.

Officials from the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration were quick to comment. "IntraWest has really stumped us here," admitted spokeswoman Pauline Yorlegg. "I mean, who would have thought an airline would go this far? We don't have policy in place to prevent these fees, so I guess InterWest can go ahead until we draft something."

The announcement came amid celebrations surrounding InterWest's 10th anniversary. Fireworks followed the press conference, along with the unfurling of a giant banner emblazoned with the words: "Happy April Fool's Day!"

Gotcha? The scary thing is, it's not that unbelievable...

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REAL OR FAKE: AN APRIL FOOLS TRAVEL QUIZ

3/31/2015

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Why is it that airlines, hotels, tourism boards and other travel-industry players get so giddy on April 1? It could be a release, of sorts, after 364 days of sternly telling everyone to turn off cell phones or imploring guests to stop using so many damn towels already. I’m looking forward to seeing what gets cooked up tomorrow, but until then, let’s see if you can tell the real travel-industry news from the April Fools fakery (answers at the end):

1. Lego reveals that theme park staff has started sanding down the “sharp” edges of bricks at Legoland in Windsor, England, after new EU health and safety rules come into effect.

2. Hotels.com announces plans for off-shore “pontrooms” for soccer fans attending the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Reached by boat and serviced from the mainland by an amphibious front desk, the rooms run from five-star "Ile Flottante Suites" — with Jacuzzis and canopy beds — to glass-bottomed Aquari Rooms.

3. The Hotel Erwin in Venice, Calif., unveils an “ink and stay” package that includes $100 toward a tattoo and a bottle of tequila to numb the pain. A $500 bonus is offered if the tattoo says “I Heart Hotel Erwin.”

4. With hotel rooms in London scarce and expensive during the 2012 Summer Olympics, and with traffic restrictions in the U.K. capital making life difficult for cabbies, David Weekes launches “Hail-A-Hotel” (pictured below), a traditional black hackney carriage that transforms into overnight accommodations.

5. Virgin Atlantic begins growing fresh herbs and vegetables in a specifically designed patch (pictured above) in the galley of all aircraft for Upper Class passengers.

6. Australian billionaire Clive Palmer unveils plans to build Titanic II (pictured below), which will have the same dimensions as its predecessor — 840 rooms and nine decks – but will be “designed so it won't sink," the mining and tourism tycoon says.

7. Virgin Airlines and Nest Labs join forces to bring “Total Temperature Control” to the airline, allowing passengers to personalize the climate at their seats.

8. Switzerland’s Gemsstock ski resort becomes so concerned about the short-term summer shrinkage of its Gurschen glacier (pictured below) that it starts wrapping plastic fleece around an area of ice the size of six football fields. 

9. Parque EcoAlberto, a Mexican ecological reserve about 800 kilometres south of the real U.S. border, launches the “caminata nocturna” guided night hike, in which participants follow a fake smuggler under real barbed wire fences in an effort to cross a fake border patrolled by fake police officers with real guns that shoot blanks.

10. WestJet Airlines launches its "Kargo Kids" program, creating a separate "VIP" area for children in aircraft.

ANSWERS: 1: Fake. 2: Fake. 3: Real. 4: Real. 5: Fake. 6: Real. 7: Fake. 8: Real. 9: Real. 10: Fake.

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