'Twas the night before lockdown, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, because all the spoons were in the dishwasher.

The stockings still hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that the delivery guy would finally show up.

The children all nestled all snug in their beds.
While visions of Charli D’Amelio danced in their heads.

Mamma in her PJs, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap that would ideally last until January 26 or thereabouts.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see if the zombie apocalypse was finally upon us.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, threw up the sash, pried the plywood loose and deactivated the radiation shield. 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of fallout to objects below.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Pfizer! Now, Fosun! Now GlaxoSmithKline!
On, Johnson & Johnson! On, Moderna and Stein!

From Ulaanbaatar to Minny-St. Paul,
Now Vaxx away! Vaxx away! Vaxx away all!"

So up to the housetop the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of drugs, and St. Nicholas too.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

A portable freezer he had flung on his back,
Kind of like a Ghostbuster, but wearing a hat.

His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Along with the expertise and approval of the heroes in our medical community, not to mention some of the most extensive clinical trials in history,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, rising over the trees,
“Merry Christmas to all, go get vaccinated ASAP!”

With my first full year of (borderline successful) full-time freelancing (almost) behind me, here’s how I see the eight days BEFORE Dec. 25 shaping up as I continue to work from home:

On the first day of Christmas, some guy emailed me
Asking that I work for free

On the second day of Christmas, the guy referred to me
As "Dear Allan Bixby"
And again asked that I work for free

On the third day of Christmas, three clients mailed to me
Greeting cards saying
"Dear Adam Bisby"
Means a lot to know they value me

On the fourth day of Christmas, the CRA sent me
Four HST forms
Three payment docs
Two veiled threats
And a note about interest fees

On the fifth day of Christmas, I read a nifty tweet

(About the) Five Golden Rules!!!!! (of freelancing):

Never miss deadlines
Always show up
Be low-maintenance
Do good work and don’t do it for free

On the sixth day of Christmas, I had a lovely dream:
Six-figure salaries

Five golden handshakes!!!!!

Four soaring stocks
Three health plans
Two pension funds
And a chalet near Lake Louise

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Seven pounds of coffee
Six iPhone chargers

Five Golden Brooms!!!!!

Four "sick day" nooners
Three bath bombs
Two mental notes
And a new bathrobe already

On the eighth day of Christmas, my two kids gave to me
Eight playdate pickups
Seven missing backpacks
Six permission forms

Five (requests for) golden retrievers!!!!!

Four data overages
Three French tests
Two turtle deaths
And two reasons to rock 2019...

With recreational cannabis consumption set to become legal in exactly three weeks, this Mostly Amazing series explores 11 places across the land that are best experienced with a buzz.

As a dad, I rely on magic over the winter holidays.

"How does Santa get down the chimney?" my daughters ask.

"Magic," I reply.

"How does he deliver presents to all the kids around the world?"

"To all the good kids? Magic."

While it has proved indispensable as an explanation (and disciplinary tool), "magic" was starting to feel like a bit of a cop-out before I experienced Lumina Borealis in Kingston.

That's when everything changed. If you want to restore your faith in magic, while proving to your offspring that it is real, visit the dazzling multimedia installation that's slated to return to the Fort Henry National Historic Site this December for its third winter. 

I jumped at the chance to check out Lumina Borealis at the tail end of my family's circuitous holiday road trip around Ontario and Quebec. I was drawn to the stirring outdoor setting I had only experienced in summer – never before has the 181-year-old fort offered anything on this scale in winter – and was intrigued by a comment from the daughter of St. Lawrence Parks Commission CEO Darren Dalgleish, which is said to have inspired the project: "You need to do Frozen meets It's a Wonderful Life."

My inner audiovisual aficionado, meanwhile, wondered what $3-million worth of projection, light and sound equipment looks like.

In short, it looks out of this world. Our walking tour of the lower fort took about 90 minutes, and I could spend at least that long describing the interactive, immersive wonders that unfolded as my family strolled, awestruck, around the yawning dry moat. After wandering through a glowing assembly of stylized icebergs and an evergreen forest clad in iridescent icicles, we reached a towering stone wall blazing with projected colours. Our shadows appeared on the wall as we passed, but not in their usual form. Instead, they somehow morphed into the swirling display, enticing us to twirl, jump and dance.

As one silver-haired visitor giddily remarked, "This takes me back to the sixties."

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My daughter Ava and I checked out Oakville’s new iFly Toronto indoor skydiving centre yesterday, and we weren't disappointed. Honestly, the only drawback to the two-hour experience was that it may have encouraged Ava (pictured at left) to pursue a career in jumping out of aircraft, which did seem pretty cool as we gaped at the iFly pros’ mad skills in the 20-metre-tall wind tunnel. And that was before we flew into it ourselves. What did we like about it?

 1. It destroys the holiday doldrums
The second week of the December holidays can be challenging for families: The luster is starting to fade from new toys, dad still hasn’t figured out how to charge the Tiny Tots Toy Taser, and exhaustion is starting to replace the adrenaline rush of Dec. 24 and 25. So what better way to kick-start Week 2 than by being lifted off the ground by hurricane-force winds?

2. It’s great bucket-list prep
I know I’m not alone in wanting to parachute out of an airplane one day. I’m not sure when this will happen — probably once my daughters are financially self-sufficient — but after two minute-long flights with iFly (pictured below) I now know for certain that skydiving is bucket-list material.

3. Just about anyone can do it
It amazes me that children as young as four can take part in the iFly flights; I regret not bringing Grace, 5, along. It actually seemed easier for the three youngsters in our group than it did for the adults, what with their limber extremities and fearlessness. It’s not at effortless activity, with my core and arms having to work quite hard to push back against the rushing wind. But with standard flights lasting just 60 seconds each, my 75-year-old father-in-law, who came to watch (and heckle?), seemed eager to give it a go.

4. It’s simple
The flying itself may not be effortless, but the 30-minute orientation and training session is easy to follow, with the six hand signals — relax, lift your chin, straighten your legs etc. — seeming quite intuitive, especially once you’re airborne.

5. It costs nothing (sort of)
My visit came courtesy of the the Aeroplan loyalty program, which offers “introductory” iFly packages — two minute-long flights with all gear and training — as a 9,500-point reward.

6. The outfits
On one hand, I always enjoy pulling on Super Dave Osborne-style onesies, helmets and goggles. On the other, flyers can't conceal much on their windward sides, and after a week of festive gorging, well, let’s just say the Goodyear logo would have fit right in on my outfit.

7. The show
The lower section of the wind tunnel is encased in glass, with comfortable seating provided for spectators. You can purchase photos from iFly, of course, but friends and family can also take great pix and video.

8. The pro show
After each group finishes their outing, their instructor jumps into the tunnel to demonstrate the eye-popping dives, flips, spins and more that seasoned skydivers can pull off (pictured below). This on its own is worth the price of admission.

9. The ear plugs
The roar of the wind is deafening in the tunnel, so flyers are required to wear disposable ear plugs (hence the hand signals). After a week of fielding festive requests pretty much non-stop, the surreal silence of the flight was strangely soothing.

10. There’s room to grow
Our instructor gave us the option to soar with him “to the top” — right up to the ceiling of the tunnel — for an extra $10. When he first asked, no one in our group accepted the offer, but a couple flyers did during their second flights. I’m not sure why I declined — I guess it was because I was having a good time thumbs-upping my family through the glass — but I’m glad there will be a new experience waiting the next time I fly.

If you’ve still got a whack of holiday shopping to do, you're either insane, masochistic, or plan to snap up a bunch of email-able gift cards. If it’s the latter, well played, especially if you intend to focus on travel-related swag. According to a recent survey by American Express, 62 per cent of Americans want travel as a gift, and since we share the world’s longest undefended border with the States — along with the Great Lakes and William Shatner — Canadians’ predilections are probably similar. I know I would happily trade that Shatner-print Snuggie under the tree for a gift card from one of these travel players:

Free (sort of): Aeroplan Beyond Miles
If you’ve got some Aeroplan miles to spare, the loyalty program now lets members donate them to its Beyond Miles charitable program on behalf of someone else. That someone then receives an e-card informing them of their contribution to one of 10 charitable partners, or to more than 450 pooling accounts that let members support grassroots causes in their own communities.

$1 and up: Airbnb
This justifiably popular online lodging-rental service doesn’t sell gift cards directly, but you can still give the gift of someone else’s pad (in around 33,000 cities and 192 countries) via Giftrocket, which lets users give money with a suggested expenditure attached. That said, the recipient can always ignore the suggestion and blow the cash on a Shatner-print Snuggie.

$10 and up: Flight Centre
If you want to guarantee that your gift will be spent on travel, one of the world’s largest travel agencies is a solid bet.

$25 and up: Air Canada
On one hand, Canada’s domestic airline scene is almost as bad as its wireless industry when it comes to customer gauging. On the other, a gift card from its largest airline can help you get to more than 175 destinations, and can be used to pay for travel options, advance seat selection and change fees. And who doesn’t want a change fee for Christmas?

$25 and up: Spafinder
This website lets you book spa treatments and wellness vacations at 20,000-plus locations worldwide. Will come in handy after the rigours of the holidays.

$5 and up: Liftopia.com
This website lets you buy lift tickets at more than 250 ski resorts in North America. Parlay this with a massage via Spafinder, and you have an entire first ski day covered!

$100 and up: BedandBreakfast.com
Sure, you could go for a $25 gift card here, but you get a free $25 for every $100 you spend, and who wouldn’t want some extra dough to go toward stays at more than 12,000 properties worldwide?

$33,000 and up (give or take): Exclusive Resorts
Formerly the domain of the extremely wealthy with its $170,000 lifetime memberships — plus $1,100-a-day fees — this supremely luxurious destination club now offers a “Gateway” card that delivers 21 days of vacation redeemable over the course of three years. The cost? $1,550 a day, plus various extras. It sounds steep — OK, it is steep — but one look at the properties involved (Banyan Tree's Seychelles resort is pictured above) might make you fork over your Christmas bonus (assuming you work for the makers of American Girl).

This is the time of year when big travel companies release surveys encouraging Canadians to get away for the holidays. A Hotels.com poll, for instance, found that 95 per cent of respondants would give up their gifts for travel, while the Expedia Canada Holi-Data Survey found that travel is on the mind for six out of 10 Canucks, with 29 per cent planning it and another 29 per cent wishing they could be travelling.

The surveys typically go on to reveal respondents’ beach-or-ski preferences and favourite sun-and-sand destinations. But these queries are irrelevant to me. After all, my in-laws live in Hamilton and parents reside in Ottawa, so the brood and I are usually on the road over the holidays. The six-hour drive between the two isn't enough to justify alternating yearly visits, which means Christmas Day at my parents' place, Boxing Day in Steeltown (or vice versa), and sometimes New Year's at my cousins’ chalet near Mont Tremblant, Que.

Here, then, is a survey for those road-weary Canadians who can honestly say they know how Santa feels on Christmas Eve:

1. You know it’s time to pull over when:
a) A snowboarder cuts you off
b) You see Yukon Cornelius (pictured above) trying to hitch a ride
c) The slow-plows are plowing you
d) You forget the lyrics to “Feliz Navidad”

2. What’s the most important rest-stop amenity?
a) Caffeine injection site
b) Ice-scraper showroom
c) Child Tasers
d) Earworm removal station (re: “Feliz Navidad”)

3. What’s the best alternative to the ice-scraper that inexplicably vanished from your trunk?
a) A CD case (remember those?)
b) A maxed-out credit card
c) A nativity character (the donkey works well)
d) A sleeping child

4. What’s the best way to ensure good child behavior during a December road trip?
a) A rousing game of “I Spy” (something that is white)
b) A rousing game of “Gift Wrap Sweat Shop”
c) More Santa-related threats
d) Gravol

5. What’s the best way to recover from a long winter drive?
a) Massage therapy
b) Psychotherapy
c) Fill a pitcher with eggnog, dump out the eggnog, fill with rum
d) Fire up that new “aromatherapy device”

6. Why do you keep doing this, anyway?
a) Guilt
b) Masochism
c) “I Spy” competitiveness
d) Good practice for upcoming “Ice Road Truckers” audition