0:00: Ah, the French Alps on a sunny June afternoon. The birds are singing, the cowbells are ringing (on cows, not in SNL skits), and my Cervélo C5 is zinging through the picturesque resort town of Morzine en route to the legendary Col de la Joux Verte, a staple of the Tour de France.
9:27: Here we go! The record time for the climb is 33 minutes. I know I can ride 14km in less than that on flat terrain, so I’m curious to see how long will it take me to gain 860 vertical metres — the height of one-and-a-half CN Towers, give or take — on gradients that exceed 14 per cent. This isn’t Pottery Road anymore, Bisby…
17:45: Hey, this isn’t so bad. And look: There’s Lac Montriond up ahead. The turquoise Alpine water reminds me of the Rockies…
22:23: …which makes me chuckle when I pass the next hamlet along the route: Les Albertans. Don’t see any pickup trucks, though.
29:23: So this is what a 14-per-cent gradient feels like. Oh dear. If I can just focus on that pretty waterfall up ahead I’ll make it up this climb and…
31:23: WHAT!?! That climb was the first of what I fear will be several switchbacks. And they’re getting steeper. Do they have Uber up here?
31:24: Time for the first of 53 "photo" breaks. Not that I'm exhausted or anything. (Check out a few of my pics at the end of this post.)
33:01: So I’m not going to set any records. At least the switchbacks are ending soon, right?
35:02: Wrong.
37:13: Wrong.
40:45: And so on.
47:12: OK, that’s 13 switchbacks. I counted, and felt, every one. The good news: The view of the valley behind me is tremendous.
52:21: The road levels out (a bit) in the village of Les Lindarets, which presumably means “The Place Where Goats Eat Tourists’ Leftover Baguette” in English. I am sorely tempted to take an extended break on one of the sunny patios, but if I stop it might be for good. Onwards and upwards!
54:40: “Every time I turn my crank, I go blind. Every time I turn my crank, I go blind. I go bliiiind…” (The Hootie and the Blowfish cover is garbage, BTW.)
59:32: At least the grade’s down to 9 per cent. Single digits I can just about handle.
1:03:41: They’re taking down a huge pine along the road. I do not protest when the workmen ask me to halt so they can drag it out of the way. Take your time, boys, take your time.
1:08:17: Is there a clinical term for a fear of switchbacks? I am developing that phobia.
1:11:32: There goes the last of my water. Good thing the Col is so close…
1:13:26: Victory! If only the chalet at the top were open. But who needs delicious, refreshing, ice-cold beer when I’ve got…er…OK, I would love a beer. Several hundred centilitres might even convince me to climb another 2kms to the Avoriaz ski resort. But no matter: It’s time for the 20km descent back into Morzine.
1:13:27: Yeeeehaaaaaawwww!
1:16:18: Those hairpin turns come up fast. Keep it real, Bisby!
1:18:19: Where are all those Alpine springs I saw on the climb up? Granted, much of the scenery is a blur, but my mouth is as dry as a drycleaner’s…drying…stuff.
1:23:26: My figurative prayers have been answered! Along the road, an ornate brass spigot spouts H2O into a stone basin next to a wooden chalet straight out of a Ricola commercial. I’m told the spring water in and around Morzine comes from the same source as Evian water. This particular stuff, however, tastes better than anything store-bought. I fill my bidon, chug it, and fill it again.
1:29:34: Yeeeehaaaaaawwww!
1:30:43: These roads are in superb shape. I can let go of the brakes with reckless abandon. If this is what EU memberships get you, why would anyone want to leave? Oh right: Because they’re bitter, xenophobic nit-wits.
1:45:28: Back in Morzine just in time for the end of the three-hour French lunch. Now, about those patio beers…
9:27: Here we go! The record time for the climb is 33 minutes. I know I can ride 14km in less than that on flat terrain, so I’m curious to see how long will it take me to gain 860 vertical metres — the height of one-and-a-half CN Towers, give or take — on gradients that exceed 14 per cent. This isn’t Pottery Road anymore, Bisby…
17:45: Hey, this isn’t so bad. And look: There’s Lac Montriond up ahead. The turquoise Alpine water reminds me of the Rockies…
22:23: …which makes me chuckle when I pass the next hamlet along the route: Les Albertans. Don’t see any pickup trucks, though.
29:23: So this is what a 14-per-cent gradient feels like. Oh dear. If I can just focus on that pretty waterfall up ahead I’ll make it up this climb and…
31:23: WHAT!?! That climb was the first of what I fear will be several switchbacks. And they’re getting steeper. Do they have Uber up here?
31:24: Time for the first of 53 "photo" breaks. Not that I'm exhausted or anything. (Check out a few of my pics at the end of this post.)
33:01: So I’m not going to set any records. At least the switchbacks are ending soon, right?
35:02: Wrong.
37:13: Wrong.
40:45: And so on.
47:12: OK, that’s 13 switchbacks. I counted, and felt, every one. The good news: The view of the valley behind me is tremendous.
52:21: The road levels out (a bit) in the village of Les Lindarets, which presumably means “The Place Where Goats Eat Tourists’ Leftover Baguette” in English. I am sorely tempted to take an extended break on one of the sunny patios, but if I stop it might be for good. Onwards and upwards!
54:40: “Every time I turn my crank, I go blind. Every time I turn my crank, I go blind. I go bliiiind…” (The Hootie and the Blowfish cover is garbage, BTW.)
59:32: At least the grade’s down to 9 per cent. Single digits I can just about handle.
1:03:41: They’re taking down a huge pine along the road. I do not protest when the workmen ask me to halt so they can drag it out of the way. Take your time, boys, take your time.
1:08:17: Is there a clinical term for a fear of switchbacks? I am developing that phobia.
1:11:32: There goes the last of my water. Good thing the Col is so close…
1:13:26: Victory! If only the chalet at the top were open. But who needs delicious, refreshing, ice-cold beer when I’ve got…er…OK, I would love a beer. Several hundred centilitres might even convince me to climb another 2kms to the Avoriaz ski resort. But no matter: It’s time for the 20km descent back into Morzine.
1:13:27: Yeeeehaaaaaawwww!
1:16:18: Those hairpin turns come up fast. Keep it real, Bisby!
1:18:19: Where are all those Alpine springs I saw on the climb up? Granted, much of the scenery is a blur, but my mouth is as dry as a drycleaner’s…drying…stuff.
1:23:26: My figurative prayers have been answered! Along the road, an ornate brass spigot spouts H2O into a stone basin next to a wooden chalet straight out of a Ricola commercial. I’m told the spring water in and around Morzine comes from the same source as Evian water. This particular stuff, however, tastes better than anything store-bought. I fill my bidon, chug it, and fill it again.
1:29:34: Yeeeehaaaaaawwww!
1:30:43: These roads are in superb shape. I can let go of the brakes with reckless abandon. If this is what EU memberships get you, why would anyone want to leave? Oh right: Because they’re bitter, xenophobic nit-wits.
1:45:28: Back in Morzine just in time for the end of the three-hour French lunch. Now, about those patio beers…
