By Adam Bisby, the greatest globe-trotting, child-wrangling, season-pushing and hyphen-abusing freelance journalist in Toronto's M6R postal code.
Mostly Amazing
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact

My stream-of-consciousness Tour de France ride

6/20/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
0:00: Ah, the French Alps on a sunny June afternoon. The birds are singing, the cowbells are ringing (on cows, not in SNL skits), and my Cervélo C5 is zinging through the picturesque resort town of Morzine en route to the legendary Col de la Joux Verte, a staple of the Tour de France.   

9:27: Here we go! The record time for the climb is 33 minutes. I know I can ride 14km in less than that on flat terrain, so I’m curious to see how long will it take me to gain 860 vertical metres — the height of one-and-a-half CN Towers, give or take — on gradients that exceed 14 per cent. This isn’t Pottery Road anymore, Bisby…

17:45: Hey, this isn’t so bad. And look: There’s Lac Montriond up ahead. The turquoise Alpine water reminds me of the Rockies…

22:23: …which makes me chuckle when I pass the next hamlet along the route: Les Albertans. Don’t see any pickup trucks, though.

29:23: So this is what a 14-per-cent gradient feels like. Oh dear. If I can just focus on that pretty waterfall up ahead I’ll make it up this climb and…

31:23: WHAT!?! That climb was the first of what I fear will be several switchbacks. And they’re getting steeper. Do they have Uber up here? 

31:24: Time for the first of 53 "photo" breaks. Not that I'm exhausted or anything. (Check out a few of my pics at the end of this post.)

33:01: So I’m not going to set any records. At least the switchbacks are ending soon, right?

35:02: Wrong.

37:13: Wrong.

40:45: And so on.

47:12: OK, that’s 13 switchbacks. I counted, and felt, every one. The good news: The view of the valley behind me is tremendous.

52:21: The road levels out (a bit) in the village of Les Lindarets, which presumably means “The Place Where Goats Eat Tourists’ Leftover Baguette” in English. I am sorely tempted to take an extended break on one of the sunny patios, but if I stop it might be for good. Onwards and upwards!

54:40: “Every time I turn my crank, I go blind. Every time I turn my crank, I go blind. I go bliiiind…” (The Hootie and the Blowfish cover is garbage, BTW.)

59:32: At least the grade’s down to 9 per cent. Single digits I can just about handle.

1:03:41: They’re taking down a huge pine along the road. I do not protest when the workmen ask me to halt so they can drag it out of the way. Take your time, boys, take your time.

1:08:17: Is there a clinical term for a fear of switchbacks? I am developing that phobia.

1:11:32: There goes the last of my water. Good thing the Col is so close…

1:13:26: Victory! If only the chalet at the top were open. But who needs delicious, refreshing, ice-cold beer when I’ve got…er…OK, I would love a beer. Several hundred centilitres might even convince me to climb another 2kms to the Avoriaz ski resort. But no matter: It’s time for the 20km descent back into Morzine.

1:13:27: Yeeeehaaaaaawwww!

1:16:18: Those hairpin turns come up fast. Keep it real, Bisby!

1:18:19: Where are all those Alpine springs I saw on the climb up? Granted, much of the scenery is a blur, but my mouth is as dry as a drycleaner’s…drying…stuff.

1:23:26: My figurative prayers have been answered! Along the road, an ornate brass spigot spouts H2O into a stone basin next to a wooden chalet straight out of a Ricola commercial. I’m told the spring water in and around Morzine comes from the same source as Evian water. This particular stuff, however, tastes better than anything store-bought. I fill my bidon, chug it, and fill it again.

1:29:34: Yeeeehaaaaaawwww!

1:30:43: These roads are in superb shape. I can let go of the brakes with reckless abandon. If this is what EU memberships get you, why would anyone want to leave? Oh right: Because they’re bitter, xenophobic nit-wits.

1:45:28: Back in Morzine just in time for the end of the three-hour French lunch. Now, about those patio beers…

0 Comments

    Author

    Follow Adam Bisby
    as he indulges his passion for globe-setting
    and jet-trotting.

    Archives

    September 2019
    August 2019
    June 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014

    Categories

    All
    Adam Bisby
    Adventure
    Aeroplan
    Airbnb
    Air Canada
    Air Miles
    Airport Lounges
    Airports
    Air Rage
    Air Transat
    Air Travel
    Alberta
    Alps
    Animal Therapy
    Animal Therapy Day
    Anniversary
    Antarctica
    Apps
    April Fools Day
    Archaeology
    Architecture
    Arctic
    Arizona
    Art
    Astronomy
    Australia
    Austria
    Awards
    Babies
    Bahamas
    Baked Goods
    Banff
    Bangkok
    Banksy
    Bars
    Baseball
    B&bs
    Beach
    Bed Bugs
    Beer
    Berlin
    Bitcoin
    Black Friday
    Black Mirror
    Blogs
    Blue Jays
    Blue Mountain
    Boating
    Books
    Boston
    Breweries
    British Columbia
    Bucket List
    Budget Travel
    Calgary
    Calgary Flames
    California
    Camping
    Camps
    Canada
    Canada 150
    Canada 150 Countdown
    Canada 200 Countdown
    Canada 420 Countdown
    Canada Day
    Canadian Dollar
    Cannabis
    Caves
    CBC
    CFL
    Charities
    Cheese
    Chicago
    Christmas
    City Of Toronto
    Climate Change
    Climbing
    Cocktails
    Coffee
    Cold
    Collingwood
    Colorado
    Conservation
    Contest
    Costa Rica
    Cottage Country
    Cougars
    Couples Travel
    Crowdfunding
    Cruises
    Cruising
    Culture
    Cyber Monday
    Cycling
    Dance
    Daylight Savings Time
    Deals
    Decor
    Degrassi
    Destination Weddings
    Disaster
    Disc Golf
    Dogs
    Dogs At Work
    Donald Trump
    Donate
    Drake
    Ducks
    Earth Day
    Easter
    Eco Travel
    Eels
    Egypt
    Elon Musk
    England
    Escape Winter
    Extreme Sports
    Fall
    Family
    Family Day
    Family Travel
    Fans
    Father's Day
    Fees
    Feminism
    Fes
    Film
    First Nations
    Fishing
    Florida
    Food
    Fort Mcmurray
    France
    Freelancing
    Frequent Flyer Plans
    Friends
    Gadgets
    Gatineau
    Gear
    Getting Lost
    Gift Cards
    Gifts
    Gisele Bundchen
    Glaciers
    Global Warming
    Globe And Mail
    Golf
    Gord Downie
    Gps
    Great Canadian Travel Deals
    Green Travel
    Halloween
    Health
    Helicopters
    Highway 401
    Hiking
    History
    Hoaxes
    Hockey
    Hotels
    Hotels.com
    Hotel Theft
    Hot Tubs
    House Of Cards
    Hugh Hefner
    Iceland
    Ice Storm
    Indigenous Peoples
    Instagram
    International Day Of Happiness
    Iphones
    Italy
    Jasper
    Jerusalem
    Jesus
    Jokes
    Justin Bieber
    Kamloops
    Kids
    Kingston
    Kiwi Kronicles
    Labrador
    Lake Louise
    Lakes
    Laos
    Last-minute
    Las Vegas
    Leap Day
    Loire Valley
    London
    Lord Of The Rings
    Luggage
    Macguyver
    Mad Men
    Magazines
    Manitoba
    March Break
    Marrakesh
    Mexico
    Miami
    Miami Beach
    Milkshakes
    Mobile Devices
    Montreal
    Mont Tremblant
    Monty Python
    Morocco
    Mother's Day
    Mountains
    Movies
    Multimedia
    Museums
    Music
    Muskoka
    Myrtle Beach
    Nairobi
    Namibia
    National Parks
    Nature
    Nepal
    Nepal Earthquake
    Netflix
    Netherlands
    New Brunswick
    Newfoundland
    New Orleans
    New Years
    New York
    New Zealand
    Nhl
    Niagara
    Nineties
    Northern Lights
    Northwest Territories
    Nova Scotia
    Nunavut
    Ontario
    Ottawa
    Owen Sound
    Oxford
    Paddling
    Parenting
    Paris
    Parks
    Pei
    Perks
    Pets
    Photography
    Playboy
    Podium Of Idiotic Tourists
    Poetry
    Politics
    Poutine
    Prairies
    Prince Edward County
    Privacy
    Prizes
    Productivity
    Provincial Parks
    Psychology
    Public Transit
    Pubs
    Pulp Fiction
    Quebec
    Quiz
    Religion
    Remembrance Day
    Resolutions
    Resorts
    Restaurants
    Ripley's Aquarium
    Road Trips
    Rob Ford
    Rodeo
    Room Service
    Russia
    Saskatchewan
    Science
    Science Fiction
    Selfies
    Seven Wonders Of The World
    Shuswap
    Simcoe
    Simpsons
    Ski
    Skiing
    Skydiving
    Smartphones
    Snow
    Snowmobiling
    Snowshoeing
    South Carolina
    Spa
    Space Travel
    Spain
    Speed
    Sports
    Spring
    Spring Skiing
    Squamish
    Stargazing
    Staycations
    Stockholm
    Stowaways
    St. Patrick's Day
    Stranger Things
    Summer
    Summer Holidays
    Superheroes
    Survey
    Sydney
    Taxes
    Technology
    Television
    Tesla
    Thailand
    Theme Parks
    The Shining
    Tik Tok
    Tim Hortons
    Tobogganing
    Toiletries
    Tom Brady
    Top 10 Lists
    Toronto
    Toronto Islands
    Toronto Maple Leafs
    Toronto Star
    Tours
    Tragically Hip
    Travel
    Travel Deals
    Travel Gifts
    Travel Rewards
    Trees
    Trends
    Tripadvisor
    Tube Parks
    Turkey
    Turkmenistan
    Turks & Caicos
    Union Pearson Express
    United States
    Utah
    Valentine's Day
    Vancouver
    Vermont
    Vintage
    Viral Videos
    Volunteering
    Water Can
    Waterparks
    Water Sports
    Weather
    Weird
    Westjet
    Whistler
    Wildlife
    Wind Farms
    Wine
    Winter
    Workplace Morale
    World Heritage Sites
    World Tourism Day
    Yukon
    Yyz
    Zoo
    Zurich

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.