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14 SONGS THAT WILL NOT BE PLAYED AT THE GRADE 6 GRAD DANCE

6/25/2018

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Having been tasked with creating a playlist for my daughter’s upcoming shindig, I thought it would be fun to let the Grade 6 graduating class choose their own tunes by filling out anonymous request forms. Now that I’m actually going through the forms, however, I'm getting more than I bargained for.

​On one hand, the kids are impressing me with requests for “Life on Mars,” songs from the Hamilton soundtrack, and calls for “No Bieber please!” On the other hand...this:

“Party in the USA,” Miley Cyrus: Best to avoid any new tariffs on partying.

“God’s Plan,” Drake: Once again, my utter bafflement regarding Drake’s popularity is confirmed.

“Cotton Eye Joe,” Rednex: Someone has been to a Leafs game recently...

“Oh! You Pretty Things,” David Bowie: This request loses points for referring to the late artist as “that guy who likes face paint.”

“Chicken Dance,” Beelzebub: Over my dead body.

“The Fortnite Rap Battle,” NerdOut: I know the Fortnite video game is ludicrously popular, but this makes the “Chicken Dance” sound like “Fight the Power.”

“Cheese Block,” Flurtlebus: I can barely read the me-calibre handwriting on this sheet. This could also read “Cleese Bock,” which sounds like an Anglo-German law firm.

“Freaky Friday,” Lil Dicky feat. Chris Brown: Need I go on?

“Who is zee the forest on this Halloween Night een spaimen”: I have no idea what this says, but it sounds like Norwegian death metal to me. And I was specifically told by the Dance Organizing Committee to avoid Norwegian death metal.

“The Muffin Man,” various artists: Oh, I know the Muffin Man. Only too well. Be careful what you wish for, Jokey McJokerton

“Shut up and Dance,” WALK THE MOON: I can’t support a band that lists its name in all-caps.

“Mamma Mia,” ABBA: The band name is an acronym, but Meryl Streep is my sworn enemy, so...

“Hello,” Adele: “Hello, how are you? Are you wondering why the DJ is playing this dirge at a dance?”

“Something Big,” Sean Mendes: Sean Mendes is an anagram of “de meanness,” and I just can’t support that.

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