If I could have been anywhere on Earth on January 25, it would have been in Newark Liberty International Airport. I know that sounds absurd, so bear with me: More specifically, I would have been standing near Ventiko, the Brooklyn-based artist who tried to bring her emotional support peacock on board a United Airlines flight to Los Angeles.

​Witnessing the bizarre rebuff in person would have shed more light on the most fascinating news story of 2018 so far. I have to wonder: How did check-in staff and other passengers react? Can I bring my emotional support cactus on a plane? What is the average wind-speed velocity of an unladen peacock riding on a baggage cart? So many questions, so few answers.

Ultimately, I can only imagine what unfolded on that winter morning in northern New Jersey. So, as I see it, this is probably what went down:

Charlene (the check-in attendant): Good morning ma’am, may I see your identification and boarding pass please?

Ventiko: Here you go.

Charlene: Thank you Ms. Vinteko. Do you have any luggage to check with us?

Ventiko: I do, and...

Charlene: Very good. Please place your bags on the belt in front of you one by one. I see you selected our “economy” fare, which means your first checked bag will cost $100 and any supplementary luggage will be $200 per item. Will that be cash, credit or reverse mortgage?

Dexter (the peacock): Aaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Charlene: Ms. Fentivo, I assure you these fees are in line with industry standards, and...

Ventiko: That wasn’t me, that was Dexter.

Charlene (in a soothing voice): Well, “Dexter” doesn’t need to get so worked up, now does he? Perhaps “Dexter” should take another Xanax?

Ventiko (pointing at Dexter on the luggage cart behind her): No no, he is Dexter.

Dexter: Aaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Charlene: Mmmm, I see. (Long pause.) And will Dexter be joining you on your flight today?

Dexter: Yes. He is my emotional support peacock. He gives me so much positive energy in times of stress. We go for walks and drives together, he helps me with my work, he is just so inspiring! I couldn’t bear to leave him behind...

(Charlene picks up her phone, presses a large red button and speaks calmly into the receiver.)

Charlene: Bob, could you come over here for a minute please?

(Bob the baggage handler comes over.)

Bob: What’s up?

Charlene: Ms. Vasilevski here wishes to bring her pterodactyl on her flight.

Ventiko: He’s a peacock.

Charlene: Sorry, her peacock. His name is Hector.

Ventiko: It’s Dexter.

Charlene: Right. Anyway, Bob, is this kosher?

Bob: Sure is.

Charlene: Really?

Bob: You bet. Been seeing a lot of this lately. Just the other day Larry in meal services saw a guy check in with a mongoose. Said he had a diagnosed phobia of snakes on planes. Had papers and everything to prove it. You know that flight attendant out of Boston, Diane something?

Charlene: I sure do.

Bob: She told Larry some lady had a hedgehog on a flight last week.

Charlene: What’s a hedgehog?

Bob: It’s like a cross between a porcupine and a wild boar.

Charlene: Dang! They let that thing on a plane?

Bob: Crazy, right? So I figure this pterodactyl should be totally cool.

Charlene: Makes sense. Should I double-check with Sandy?

Bob: Can’t hurt.

Charlene (picking up her phone again): Sandy, can you come over here for a minute please?

(Sandy the check-in supervisor comes over.)

Sandy: Hey Charlene, what can I do ya for?

Charlene: Ms. Gradenko here wishes to bring her emotional support peacock on her flight. Is that allowed?

Sandy: Well this is one for the books. Let me check the manual.

(Sandy reaches under the desk and with considerable effort hauls out the enormous manual.)

Sandy: Let me see here: Payload, payola, peacemaker, peach...nope, nothing here about peacocks. You should be good to go.

Ventiko: That’s great to hear!

Dexter (triumphantly): Aaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Charlene: Well I hope you both have a great flight. If you’ll kindly make your way through security, you’ll be relaxing on board in no time and…

Bob: Now hold on a minute folks, I just thought of something: How much does Dexter weigh?

Ventiko: About 12 pounds.

Bob: That’s too heavy. Gotta get him down to 10 pounds to board. It’s right there in the manual.

(Sandy checks the manual.)

Sandy: He’s right. Well done, Bob!

Bob (sarcastically): All those theory classes at baggage-handling school are finally paying off.

Sandy: I’m sorry Ms Gronkowski, but I’m afraid Dexter is too heavy to board. Perhaps he can remove a couple pounds of plumage?

Ventiko: Remove his plumage? Are you crazy? You’re telling me the only reason I can’t bring Dexter on a flight is his weight?

Bob: It’s also his size. With the exception of dogs, emotional support animals can’t be bigger than Mongooses. Look it up.

Sandy: Dammit Bob, you are so on today!

Ventiko: I can’t believe this. After spending all that money on a ticket for Dex, after all those calls to customer service telling them we were coming, and after all those hours spent training him to wink at me when he needs to poop, we still can’t board. This is an outrage! I’m calling my congressman!

Sandy: We sympathise, Ms. Gorbachev, but rules are rules. By the way, who is your congressman?

Ventiko: It’ll be Michael Grimm soon, and then you’re in trouble!

Sandy: Oh man, we are so screwed...

Attn: Alex Behring and the rest of the Restaurant Brands International executive team.

First, let me congratulate you on the enormous, if somewhat unwarranted, popularity of your coffee-and-doughnuts chain. I very much enjoy your sour cream-glazed pastries, especially when nuked for about 30 seconds and paired with anything but your coffee.

That said, after visiting several of New Zealand’s ubiquitous roadside cafes, I feel many of the products and services available at these independent establishments could be implemented across the Tim Hortons chain to great effect. With that in mind, here are six New Year's resolutions I suggest for your brand:

1. Offer eel feeding: I know you’re always looking to create memorable customer experiences, and I now know that nothing is more memorable than feeding tame eels from the verdant banks of a shimmering brook. Of course, not every Tim Hortons location is as picturesque and pastoral as that of the Jester House Cafe near Nelson, NZ, but surely some kind of aquarium set-up could do the trick? Plus, I’m pretty sure the Jester’s $2-a-cup eel food is identical to your chicken salad.
2. Go gluten-free: Incredibly, not a single one of your myriad baked items is gluten-free. Walk into any NZ cafe, and several GF options are usually available, clearly labeled, and delicious to boot. Try the caramel squares and thank me later. 
3. More for the kids: Do children enjoy Timbits and hot chocolate? Did Mr. Horton like to drop the gloves? Yet, you make little or no effort to entertain the little ones. At the Jester, on the other hand, there’s a veritable enchanted forest of whimsical play structures, wooden musical instruments, and even a “borrow-a-tail” dress-up station. Any one of these features would be hugely appreciated by parents and kids alike, while the latter would appeal to the Harajuku crowd you are always trying to entice.
4. Serve drinky-drinks: All the NZ cafes I’ve visited offer a pleasing variety of local microbrews and wines. ‘Nuff said.
5. Bring me my food: I’m not suggesting you hire servers. Rather, instead of taking my order and tempting me to watch the unnerving preparation of my chicken salad sandwich, why not do as Kiwi cafes do and simply hand me a number on a stick so I can wait at my table? Fewer angry mobs at the pickup counter, fewer bleary-eyed customers spilling their heavily-laden trays, it’s all good.
6. Offer overnight accommodations: You know that guy who spends 14 hours a day in your Kinmount location? Why not give him the option to spend the night? Now, I doubt the Jester’s fairytale-boot lodgings would appeal to every Timmy’s customer, but maybe a hockey puck- or Timbit-shaped room would suffice? Combine this with some gluten-free treats, a gigantic wooden snail, a few local microbrews and a modest school of hungry eels, and you simply can’t lose. 

Once these resolutions are adopted, I will require two types of compensation for my consulting services: A lifetime supply of the Licorice Cafe's caramel squares; and a written guarantee that Tim Hortons will never, ever, expand to New Zealand.

Have you always dreamed of spending the night in the London Eye ferris wheel?

Neither have I. Who knew this was even an option? But now, thanks to a new contest from TripAdvisor Rentals, two non-acrophobic guests will get to be the first people in history to sleep over in the iconic London landmark.

I’m not sure if this is resumé material, but it does sound pretty cool. TripAdvisor and furniture e-tailer Wayfair are apparently turning one of the glass capsules into a “rainforest-inspired luxury penthouse” (rendered above), which after one night will be traded for three nights in a TripAdvisor rental nearby.
The question is: Does the London Eye suite qualify as one of the world’s weirdest hotel rooms? After all, the bizarre bar has been set very high indeed:

Dog Bark Park Inn, Cottonwood, Idaho
Let’s face it: Who hasn’t wanted to spend a night in what this hotel’s website dubs “the world’s biggest beagle.” Yes, this two-storey dog-shaped B&B — the collar reads “Sweet Willy” — sleeps four guests, who must enter via the, er, anatomical exit. Once inside, you’ll find a queen-size bed in Willy’s tummy, a loft room in his head and a reading nook in his muzzle. You may even get to chat with proprietor Dennis Sullivan, and gain some insight into what it takes to be a self-taught chainsaw artist.

Propeller Island City Lodge, Berlin, Germany
Where to start with this temple to surreal stays? Its 15 artist-designed rooms range from “Freedom,” a “friendly prison cell” with a (literally) en suite toilet, to the caged beds and voyeuristic bathroom of “Two Lions” down the hall. But what really catches our eye here are the coffin beds of “Gruft” — “crypt” in German — which apparently caters to “all those ‘Nosferatus’ who cannot wait for that which awaits us all.” (It’s the buffet breakfast, right?) If the Nosferatus in question get a little too freaked out, regular beds are available right below the coffins.

Giraffe Manor, Nairobi, Kenya
You awake after a peaceful night’s sleep in one of this hotel’s six lavish bedrooms, get showered and dressed, and head downstairs to the light-filled sun room for breakfast. You pour cream into your coffee, spread jam on your toast, and offer a slice to an endangered Rothschild giraffe that has poked its head through a window to join you. Yes, you read that last part correctly: the Giraffe Manor and surrounding grounds offer the only place in the world where you can feed giraffes over the breakfast table, from your guestroom window or at the front door.

Dasparkhotel, Ottensheim, Austria
Fact is, if you’ve got five 10-tonne pieces of concrete drainage pipe just lying around, you might as well turn them into hotel rooms, right? Turns out the “sleep-pipes” are quite comfortable, with double beds, plush bedding, a cute little lamp and a nifty storage space for luggage. Toilets, showers and a café are located in a surrounding public park, the site of a former water purification plant. Drainage pipes housing guests where a sewage treatment plant once stood — was that ironic touch intended? Another innovative touch: room rates are pay-what-you-can.

Harbour Crane, Harlingen, Netherlands
What works for concrete pipe goes double for a disused timber crane in this Dutch port town. Unlike the sleep-pipes, however, the crane is luxuriously outfitted for two guests with a touch-screen entertainment and lighting system, Charles Eames furniture and an oversized shower/bath. The rooftop patio offers stunning panoramas of the Wadden Sea, which will change when guests grab the crane’s controls and slowly swing it around 360 degrees.

Jumbo Stay, Stockholm, Sweden
Who knew sleeping on an airplane could be this comfortable? Of course, the Boeing 747-212B in question never leaves the tarmac of Stockholm Arland Airport, and is split into 25 rooms for up to three adults, a four-bed dorm, and a “luxury suite” in the converted cockpit offering panoramic views of the runways. There’s even an onboard café — sadly lacking in those cute little airplane bottles — along with a left wing observation deck in case you’ve ever wanted to stand on a Jumbo Jet’s wing (and who hasn’t?). And according to staff, there are no life vests under any of the beds.

Airbnb's quirkier properties get plenty of attention thanks to incessant "OMG!" media coverage. "These bizarre rooms will blow your mind!" the digital headlines scream, and proceed to reveal sleepovers in New York and London taxi cabs, gypsy caravans, chuck-wagons, airplane cabins...the list goes on.

But in my experience, bed and breakfasts have always been a bit quirky. Back in October of 2001, for instance, my future spouse and I decided to get out of Toronto for a weekend of strolling through Ontario's fiery fall foliage. The Siberi*inn seemed ideal. Set in a leafy forest between Barrie and Orillia, it was close to the Ganaraska Hiking Trail and was priced within my modest means. Its moniker was a bit odd, but the B&B was home to a pair of Siberian huskies, the website explained, so I figured the owner was fond of both word play and his dogs.   

But the Siberi*inn went waaaaay beyond fondness. Upon entering, we were greeted by the vacant stares of dozens, possibly even hundreds, of furry husky dolls (pictured) arranged along a staircase facing the front door. Sporting an airbrushed husky sweatshirt, our friendly and soft-spoken host, Mike Pidwerbecki, showed us to a comfortable room containing a husky bed spread, husky doilies, husky artwork, husky candles, more husky dolls, miniature husky figurines and, yes, a husky board game (pictured below).

In a kennel behind the property lived Mike's real huskies, which tore around the surrounding forest trails with more energy and enthusiasm than we could possibly muster. They were quite charming, in an exhausting sort of way, and for a moment I considered asking Mike if he would be willing to part with his disconcertingly lifelike husky footstools.

The kicker, however, came the next morning at breakfast. I had not considered the possibility that the dogs were being raised for culinary purposes...until Mike presented us with "husky paws" studded with blueberries and slathered in maple syrup. The Siberi*inn's pancakes, you see, consisted of one big blob of batter and five smaller blobs arranged around it in paw-like fashion. 

I recommended the place to friends for years, but sadly, the Siberi*inn is no longer in business. According to Mike's website, "the huskies have moved to the sledding trails in the sky."

His new preoccupation, it seems, is his 2004 Audi TT S line (pictured below). So maybe he's postponing the Audi*inn's opening until the doilies arrive...

Why is it that airlines, hotels, tourism boards and other travel-industry players get so giddy on April 1? It could be a release, of sorts, after 364 days of sternly telling everyone to turn off cell phones or imploring guests to stop using so many damn towels already. I’m looking forward to seeing what gets cooked up tomorrow, but until then, let’s see if you can tell the real travel-industry news from the April Fools fakery (answers at the end):

1. Lego reveals that theme park staff has started sanding down the “sharp” edges of bricks at Legoland in Windsor, England, after new EU health and safety rules come into effect.

2. Hotels.com announces plans for off-shore “pontrooms” for soccer fans attending the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Reached by boat and serviced from the mainland by an amphibious front desk, the rooms run from five-star "Ile Flottante Suites" — with Jacuzzis and canopy beds — to glass-bottomed Aquari Rooms.

3. The Hotel Erwin in Venice, Calif., unveils an “ink and stay” package that includes $100 toward a tattoo and a bottle of tequila to numb the pain. A $500 bonus is offered if the tattoo says “I Heart Hotel Erwin.”

4. With hotel rooms in London scarce and expensive during the 2012 Summer Olympics, and with traffic restrictions in the U.K. capital making life difficult for cabbies, David Weekes launches “Hail-A-Hotel” (pictured below), a traditional black hackney carriage that transforms into overnight accommodations.

5. Virgin Atlantic begins growing fresh herbs and vegetables in a specifically designed patch (pictured above) in the galley of all aircraft for Upper Class passengers.

6. Australian billionaire Clive Palmer unveils plans to build Titanic II (pictured below), which will have the same dimensions as its predecessor — 840 rooms and nine decks – but will be “designed so it won't sink," the mining and tourism tycoon says.

7. Virgin Airlines and Nest Labs join forces to bring “Total Temperature Control” to the airline, allowing passengers to personalize the climate at their seats.

8. Switzerland’s Gemsstock ski resort becomes so concerned about the short-term summer shrinkage of its Gurschen glacier (pictured below) that it starts wrapping plastic fleece around an area of ice the size of six football fields. 

9. Parque EcoAlberto, a Mexican ecological reserve about 800 kilometres south of the real U.S. border, launches the “caminata nocturna” guided night hike, in which participants follow a fake smuggler under real barbed wire fences in an effort to cross a fake border patrolled by fake police officers with real guns that shoot blanks.

10. WestJet Airlines launches its "Kargo Kids" program, creating a separate "VIP" area for children in aircraft.

ANSWERS: 1: Fake. 2: Fake. 3: Real. 4: Real. 5: Fake. 6: Real. 7: Fake. 8: Real. 9: Real. 10: Fake.